


Crossfire

by RandiGirl17



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-25
Updated: 2014-10-20
Packaged: 2018-02-14 14:55:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 35,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2196060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RandiGirl17/pseuds/RandiGirl17
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I thought I knew my brother...or at least, I had a pretty good idea of who he was. But his life has been one big secret. A deadly secret. Now that secret is unraveling. And I've been caught in the crossfire. Rated M for language, smut, and violence.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Innocent

**Author's Note:**

> So this story is kind of a test run at the moment. It is another story that can be found on FanFiction...however, I created this story under a different name. No one knows I wrote it...until now. I hope you find it enjoyable and that is has more appreciation here than on FanFiction. :) Happy reading!

I adjusted the strap on my shoulder, staring awkwardly at the floor as my classmates jostled me to catch a glimpse of their grades. Some of them uttered curses before storming away angrily, others contained their excitement in wide smiles. I waited until the crowd dissipated before finally looking at the list. I located my student number and looked over at the corresponding grade. The big, fat A+ staring me in the face did not bring curses or a smile to my lips. I simply blinked at it and turned and walked away.

The halls were rampant with students on their between-classes breaks. I particularly liked to avoid the ones hooting and hollering at each other, chucking bits of paper like dodge balls, and making complete asses of themselves. The quiet ones that were busy burying their noses in their textbooks, I didn't mind so much. Sometimes it was nice to sit amongst them. Until they got up and carried on with their lives or met up with their friends. Then I was just reminded of how lonely I really was. Sometimes it was just better to sit alone. I enjoyed my own company. I never disappointed myself.

I checked my phone as I hurried out of the hall and past the library. The message said he was waiting outside, but I found myself chewing on the inside of my cheek, expecting him not to be there. It wouldn't be the first time he'd ditched out on me. I loved my brother, but sometimes I wanted to throw my hundred-dollar textbook at his face.

When I stepped out through the university's main entrance, it surprised me to see him standing there. He was leaning against the staircase railing, a cigarette bobbing between his lips. He watched a couple of girls walk by before looking up and noticing me staring at him. He grinned the infamous grin that drove women wild and approached.

He clapped me on the back. "What's up, Lexy-boy?"

I adjusted my backpack again. "Hey, Jace."

"So? How'd you do on this exam you've been freaking out about?"

"I did all right."

Jace cocked an eyebrow. He pinched his cigarette between his fingers and let out a puff of smoke. "Alec."

"A-plus."

Jace punched my shoulder, a little too roughly. "Shit, Alec! That's amazing. You're a fucking genius. Give yourself some credit."

"That exam wasn't very significant," I said quietly. "The next one is weighted more heavily."

Jace tilted his head back. "Jesus Christ, Alec. Celebrate for today! Don't freak out for tomorrow. All this stress is going to give you an aneurism."

"Heart attack, more likely."

Jace's lip twitched and he flicked his cigarette to the ground, smothering it with his shoe. "Smart ass."

"You up for lunch?" I asked hopefully.

There is was. The all-too familiar flash of guilt in my brother's golden eyes. This redundant response never failed to make an appearance. I should have expected it, but every time I saw the corners of my brother's eyes crinkle with a shameful smile my heart sank. I readjusted my bag again to hide the drooping of my shoulders.

"I made plans to hang today, Alec, but something came up."

"Okay." I nodded, pretending I hadn't heard the same story a million times before.

Jace sighed and reached into his pocket. He pulled out a twenty dollar bill and handed it to me. "Celebratory beer on me, okay? Have a little fun tonight."

I stared at the money, baffled by the new card Jace was playing. "You don't have to—"

Jace shoved the crisp bill into my hand. "You deserve it, brainiac."

"Thanks."

Jace ruffled my hair and muttered a goodbye. I stood watching him as he hurried down the stairs and approached the passenger side of a waiting car. He got in without so much as a backward glance and the car sped away, the roar of its engine ringing in my ears.

There was nothing left to do but carry on with the rest of my day as though the disappointment wasn't crippling. I ate lunch alone. As always. I walked to class early. As always. I didn't have a single conversation with any of my classmates. As always. I wrote down all the instructions for my homework. As always. I left class alone. As always.

On the way home I switched it up. Jace had given me money for a celebration, after all. But instead of buying a six pack, I went in to a convenience store and bought a soda and a chocolate bar. The tang of beer had never appealed to me, and there was no time for a hangover in my crammed schedule of studying.

Back at the apartment, I turned on the TV and warmed up a plate of leftover spaghetti for dinner. While I waited for the microwave, I checked my online bank account and found that all my bills had been paid. Again. I rolled my eyes. It wasn't that I didn't appreciate my parents taking care of my debts for me. But I'd gone to school to get away from them, to get away from their pressuring me. The only way to get my parents to agree to let me move out and live alone was to let them buy me an apartment. They also paid for my expenses so I wouldn't have to work and risk my grades slipping. And here I thought I was escaping parental pressure.

The night went on uneventfully. I went about my usual business. I ate dinner, did my homework, took a break from homework to highlight important facts in my notes, studied, brushed my teeth, climbed into bed, and wallowed in self-loathing before falling asleep.

The next morning I woke up with _that_ _feeling_. _That feeling_ in the pit of my stomach. Something was off about today, but I had no idea where the roots of the troubling thought were growing. I wracked my brain for anything I might have missed: a pop quiz, an assignment that was due today, an important doctor's appointment. But there was nothing special planned in my mental schedule. Of course, I carried on as usual.

The bus ride was smelly. As usual. I sat awkwardly in my seat, shrugging in on myself to avoid unnecessary contact with strangers. The hallways in the university were busy. As usual. I counted the number of students that passed me with Starbucks drinks in their hands and, as usual, nearly reached one hundred before getting to my class.

There _was_ a pop quiz in class (which I aced), but that feeling still did not go away. A voice was nagging at me in the back of my mind, but the words were indecipherable. I continued on taking a ridiculous amount of notes as the professor lectured.

When class ended, the prof called me to the front of the room before I could sneak out. I approached his desk, my palms sweaty and my pulse leaping in my throat. Val Morgenstern looked like the kind of man who would break somebody's nose just for looking at him wrong. But it wasn't just his appearance that scared me. What scared me was the thought that the only reason he'd ask to speak with me privately was to discuss an assignment I'd misinterpreted and failed miserably on.

"Lightwood." Morgenstern glared at me through narrowed eyes. "I read your essay last night."

I shifted from foot to foot. "Okay."

"I want you to fill this out." He handed me a small stapled booklet.

I blinked and glanced down at the cover page. "A grant application?"

Morgenstern's monotonous growl made it hard for him to sound excited. "Your essay blew everyone else's out of the water. You're a sharp young man, Alec. I'm sure you can write an essay that will snag this grant."

I tried to hand the papers back to him. "Thank you, but I'm sure there are other people who need this money more."

He pushed the application back at me. "Apply, don't apply. It makes no difference to me. I just think you'd make a good candidate.. Take it home and think about it." He grabbed his briefcase and pushed past me. "Good work on the essay, Alec."

My next class was cancelled, which cleared up the rest of my afternoon. Thanks to my lack of a social life, there was nothing to do but head home. I waited for the bus outside the university with the application still in my hand. I read the document three times on the ride home, ignoring the stench of the people surrounding me. My eyes scanned it for a fourth time as I got off the bus and headed for home. My legs moved forward numbly as I stared at the papers.

Suddenly I became aware that the light overhead had dimmed. I stopped and tried to ignore the nagging in my head that had now escalated to screaming. I lowered the document and lifted my eyes. My legs had blindly taken a turn too early, and now I was standing in a shadowed pathway between two buildings. A group of men about my age were leaning against the buildings a few steps ahead of me, watching me with amusement.

I willed my legs to turn around and retreat but they would not budge. I tried to reason with myself that this was just a group of students enjoying a free period, but that did not calm the thundering of my heart against my ribs. The petrified part of me countered that I'd never seen any of them on campus before. The logical part of me argued that the university was a large institute with thousands of students, which meant it was next to impossible to see everybody. Then there was _that feeling_. _That feeling_ protested that everything about this felt wrong, that I needed to run. Now.

I managed to back up a step, but I bumped into something solid behind me. There was a soft laugh next to my ear. It sent chills down my spine. The person behind me shoved me forward and I stumbled closer to the group.

A brown-haired guy in a leather jacket and sunglasses perched on the crown of his head pushed off the wall and began circling around me. "Take a wrong turn, my friend?"

I could not bring myself to answer him. When he stopped in front of me, he reached out and snatched the application from my hand. "Grant application, huh? You smart?"

My eyes only met his for a fraction of a second. I stared at the ground and nodded. He crumpled the papers and chucked them down at my feet.

"You sure made a stupid mistake today, genius."

The person behind me grabbed the back of my jacket and tossed me against the brick wall. I let out a small grunt and immediately straightened as others from the group formed a half-circle around me. The brown-haired guy opened the side of his leather jacket enough for me to see a knife resting snugly between his jeans and belt.

"We'll let you off easy this time," he said. "Hand over your wallet and we'll let you go."

I willed my hand not to shake as I reached into my pocket and withdrew my wallet. I passed the folded leather into the guy's outstretched hand and watched as he opened it up and removed the cash from inside. He handed the bills to the blonde on his right.

"Thank you, Alexander—" His words cut off as he stared at my ID. He looked at me through the tops of his eyes. "You're a Lightwood?"

I swallowed hard. What was the use of lying? My ID was all the evidence he needed. "Yes."

The guy smiled and flipped the wallet shut. "Any association with Jace Lightwood?"

I drew myself up taller. "He's my brother."

The group of guys exchanged glances. Their snide smiles made me shrink back against the brick wall.

"You poor son of a bitch," the brunette said. "Your mistake just became the worst decision of your life."

His fist suddenly smashed against my eye. My head snapped back and cracked against the brick wall. And then there was nothing.

* * *

 

I awoke with a jolt. I was in a cold dimly-lit room, my jacket and backpack were missing, and the side of my face throbbed. My cheek was swollen and tender but there was also a dull ache at the back of my head. I sat up and touched the back of my skull, relief washing over me when my fingers came back without any traces of blood. But that relief disappeared when I realized I had no idea where I was. My hand darted to my pocket but my cell phone was gone.

I got up, swaying slightly on my feet. When I regained my equilibrium I headed for the door and tried turning the knob. It barely turned left or right. Locked. I stepped back, fighting a wave of hysteria.

All of a sudden the door swung open. I jumped back as three figures strode in. None of their names registered in my mind, but I remembered their faces from the alley. Just as they'd done before, they advanced on me until I was backed against a wall.

"How perfect is it that Jace Lightwood's brother took a wrong turn and walked right into our hands?" the familiar brunette said.

"How do you know Jace?" I asked.

He feigned hurt. "He didn't mention us?"

"Jace doesn't talk about his personal life."

The guy narrowed his eyes and cocked his head. "How much do you know about your brother?" When I didn't answer he laughed. "You poor bastard. Doesn't matter. None of it will matter in a little while."

One of the guys lunged at me and grabbed my arm, twisting it behind my back until I cried out in agony. He kicked the back of my knee and I collapsed to the floor. The third man stepped around me and slammed his fist between my shoulder blades. I toppled forward and caught myself with my hands, gasping. One of them kicked me in the side. I automatically curled into a ball right before another blow came at my lower back.

Blood dripped from my lips as I begged them to stop. Laughter and more blows ensued. I was sprawled facedown when two of the men each grabbed one of my arms and lifted me to my knees. The brunette was standing in front of me, spinning his knife idly. I struggled against the two men to break free, but they held me pinioned in place.

The brunette crouched in front of me and placed the blade against my cheek. He began sliding it upwards, dangerously close to my eye.

"What would you rather be, Alexander?" he whispered. "Blind? Or dead?"

"Please." My voice quavered. "Don't."

He moved the blade to my undamaged cheek and placed the tip at the corner of my eye. I thrashed as he pushed down and began tracing a line down the side of my face. The bite of pain was followed by the warmth of oozing blood. The blade's cold metal rested below my eye again.

"You have such pretty blue eyes," the brunette said. "Why don't we cut them out and send them to your brother?"

I stiffened as he pointed the tip of the knife directly in front of my eye.

"Raphael."

The brunette froze, an annoyed look crossing his face. He lowered the knife and turned. I let out a shaky breath. The men holding my arms were the only things keeping me from collapsing back onto the floor.

"Who is that?" the voice at the door asked.

"Jace Lightwood's brother."

Another figure stepped into the room but I could not lift my eyes to his face. He was wearing dark-wash jeans and expensive-looking Nike shoes. I couldn't help but notice how he stepped on a cluster of my blood globules. He crouched in front of me and grabbed my chin, forcing me to look at him. His hair was jet black and his eyes were shockingly yellow in contrast. He looked at me with a calm demeanour that led me to believe this was not the first time he had looked down on a beaten captive. But there was something else in his eyes, something I could not decode, something contradicting the hatred that lurked in his friends' eyes.

"Can't say I see the resemblance," the dark-haired man said. "I didn't even know Lightwood had a sibling."

"What difference does it make?" the brunette, Raphael, said. "Soon he'll be an only child."

The yellow-eyed man stared into my eyes. "Do you have any association with Raziel's Angels?"

"Raziel's Angels?" I repeated.

"Come on, Magnus," Raphael groaned. "Let's have some fun."

Magnus did not take his eyes from mine, nor did he remove his hand from my chin. "You know how I feel about innocents."

"Fuck me." I could almost hear Raphael roll his eyes.

"Are you associated with Raziel's Angels?" Magnus asked again.

"Raziel's Angels are a gang," I said, flabbergasted. "Why would I be associated with them?"

"Because," Magnus said, "your brother is their leader."


	2. Terrified

I didn't know what was worse: being beaten by a group of strangers or sitting alone in an unfamiliar room trying to decide if the story some thug had told me was true. Jace obviously kept secrets from me; I had my own secrets that I never dared to tell even him. But Jace? The leader of a gang? It had to be a lie.

Why, then, was it the perfect explanation for Jace's behavior? Ditching out on me and family gatherings. Rarely going out in public with me. Never speaking about his job or social life. His 'friends' that always seemed to be lurking nearby.

I tried to picture my brother as a blonde version of Raphael, blood smeared on his tanned skin as he stood over a huddled figure, knife in hand. The image was wrong, blasphemous. I couldn't recall ever seeing Jace get violent. He never even raised his voice. How could my captors and I be talking about the same person?

The lock on the door clicked and it swung open. The dark-haired man —what was his name? Magnus?— entered, his yellow eyes fixed on me. Raphael glared at me through the doorway before swinging the door shut. I let out a soft breath. Magnus was potentially dangerous, but I felt safer with him than I did with Raphael.

Magnus paced the room for a long while. His staring made me uncomfortable. I squirmed under his scrutiny and wrapped my arms around my legs. It was all I could do not to bury my face and hide from him. He finally stopped and crouched in front of me, inspecting my face. His hand reached out and I automatically flinched away from him, expecting pain.

Magnus quirked an eyebrow, but he kept his hand still. "Relax," he said stiffly.

I quivered as he pressed his fingertips to my cheek and turned my head slightly. His eyes trailed the cut framing the side of my face.

"I don't think it needs stitches," he said. His fingers fell away and he sat back on his heels, watching me with cat-like curiosity. "What's your name?"

My teeth chattered as I stared at him.

Magnus frowned. "Should I call Raphael and ask him?"

"No, no, no," I said hastily. "It's Alexander."

"Alexander," he repeated, testing out my name.

Something stirred in the pit of my belly. The way he said my name...the way the x rolled off his tongue...It was almost... _alluring_.

Suddenly I wanted to throw up.

"Let me explain my concerns, Alexander," Magnus began. "First, if I let you walk out of here, what's to stop you from bringing your brother and his little gang of fucks back to slaughter us? Second, let's say you never learn our location. You go home, but then you blab to Jace about being abducted by some guys named Magnus and Raphael. Even though I let you go, chances are Jace won't be too forgiving about me snatching up his brother.

"So where does that leave us?" Magnus held up two fingers. "The way I see it, we've got two options: One, I kill you here and now. We deal with Jace if he ever finds out it was us. Two, I let you go after you swear to me that you will never tell your brother what happened. But, of course, what's to stop you from lying to me?"

"I won't lie," I whispered.

The corner of Magnus's mouth curved upward. "I hope not. If I let you go, Alexander, we'll be watching you. The minute you open your mouth about this, you're gone. Not a word to anyone. Not the police, not your friends, not your family."

I wanted to assure him there was nothing to worry about. Cops made me nervous, I had no friends, and I tried to avoid my family at all costs. Except for Jace. But the last thing I wanted to do was bring this up to my brother, not when it meant endangering both our lives.

I gave a shaky nod. "I won't tell anyone."

"I'd hate to kill you."

"I won't tell anyone. I swear."

Magnus lowered his voice. "I don't know why I trust you, Alexander Lightwood. But I do."

There it was again. A stirring in the deepest regions of my body. The intensity of his stare boiled the frozen shards prickling in my veins. There was a hunger in his eyes, but I couldn't be sure if it was blood-lust. I swallowed. My heart was beating wildly. Did that have to do with my prospective murderer staring me in the face? Or was it...something else?

Magnus straightened abruptly and walked over to the door. He left the room and said something too quietly for me to hear. When he returned, he was holding my jacket and backpack in his hands. He dropped my backpack down beside me but held the jacket out to me. I timidly reached up and took it from him, gratefully sliding it on and zipping it up to my throat. I had just pushed myself to my feet and slipped on my backpack when Raphael and two others entered the room. I tensed as Magnus reached into his pocket.

"Take it easy," he said, withdrawing a long piece of cloth. "Just a precaution. Turn around."

I hesitated. Many prisoners were blindfolded before they were executed. What was stopping these men from pulling a gun on me?

Magnus pushed me roughly so I was facing the other direction. My breath came in shallow pants as he placed the material over my eyes and knotted it at the back of my head. The cloth was dark, and tied so tightly I couldn't see anything. Not the floor. Not a speck of light. Simply darkness.

"What's your address?"

It took me a moment to find the answer in my clouded mind. My voice quavered as I whispered the address. Every nerve in my body snapped to high alert when Magnus stepped closer behind me. I could feel his breath on my ear, could almost feel his lips.

"We'll be watching you."

Someone grabbed my elbow and I found myself stumbling around blindly. No one said a word, nor were there any noises to be heard. Eventually I was led up a staircase, where I tripped more than once. A door creaked as it opened and I could faintly hear the familiar sounds of distant traffic. A hand rested on my head and I was guided into what I guessed was the backseat of a car. I felt shoulders brushing on either side of me.

The drive was long, confusing, and intimidating. I had a feeling they were throwing in extra turns to confuse my sense of direction. Finally the car pulled to a stop and I heard a door open. The blindfold was ripped from my eyes and I blinked through the unyielding afternoon sunlight. My apartment waited for me just outside the open car door.

Before I could slide out, the guy sitting on my left grabbed my wrist, none too gently. I turned and realized with a jolt it was Raphael sitting next to me. He glared at me, his eyes fierce. He lifted his jacket just as he'd done before, but instead of finding a concealed knife, I was staring down at a half-hidden gun.

"We'll be watching you," he hissed.

I slid out of the car with as much composure as I could manage. I ignored the other man standing by the open car door and headed for the apartment's entrance. Before I got inside, I chanced a glance over my shoulder in time to see the car merge back into traffic. Even when it disappeared down the road I did not feel safe.

The short distance up to my apartment was a blur. All I could remember was getting inside, slamming the door behind me, and locking the deadbolt, doorknob, and chain. Even then there was no sense of security. I tore off my backpack and rummaged through it until I found my phone. How it did not break in the tight grip of my hand I did not know.

Hours passed before I managed to peel my eyes away from the door. I located a first aid kit and found some butterfly bandages inside, which I used on my cut. My other cheek and eye were still swollen, but not as badly as I'd thought. Nothing a little ice couldn't fix.

After I'd locked the bathroom door and placed my cell phone in a water-free zone within arm's reach, I stepped under the cascade of steaming water. My muscles tensed in protest under the water's pressure before slowly relaxing. I could not see the damage on my back, but there were only a couple bruises on my ribs, which I was thankful for. Nothing appeared to be broken and I was alive. Definite bonuses.

Showered and clad in a fresh t-shirt and sweats, I grabbed a bag of frozen vegetables from the freezer and pressed it against the swollen half of my face. When they had thawed, I placed them back in the freezer and made an attempt at doing my homework. But pretending nothing had happened in the past few hours was impossible. My shaking hand made my writing illegible, and I couldn't concentrate while glancing up at the door every two minutes.

As the night progressed, my anxiety intensified. Nothing could distract me from my fear. Not the TV. Not my homework. Not the Internet. It was into the early hours of the morning before I convinced myself to climb into bed. I locked my bedroom door for good measure and climbed under the covers, cell phone still in my hand. When I switched off the lamp, I had to bite back a cry of fear. The swell of darkness reminded me of the blindfold, and the shadows in the darkness brought back the feeling of being surrounded, of being smothered. I sat up and turned the lamp back on, breathing hard.

For the first time in many years, I slept with the light on.

* * *

 

The alarm blaring beside me nearly made me fall out of bed. I pushed down my rising panic and stared at the time. My class started in a couple hours. I debated skipping out, but I knew that missing classes would only raise questions. After all, I never missed class. Ignoring my all-over aching and exhaustion, I put on some clean clothes and got ready. Before I left, I grabbed the Swiss Army knife tucked in my nightstand and slid it into my pocket.

The walk to the bus stop made me appreciate being surrounded by people. I made sure I was always in the middle of a cluster of pedestrians. A few people cast disturbed looks in my direction when I kept looking around on the bus, but for once I didn't care what they thought about me. If looking like a schizophrenic was what it took to calm my nerves, I was happy to do so.

The university was better. I could count on the halls being crowded, and I doubted that any of Magnus's guys would follow me inside. Classes were easier than my free periods, but being at school made me feel more at ease than being at home. People were paying more attention to me today. The sight of my face must have alarmed them, but no one said a thing. It felt nice to have extra eyes on me...eyes that did not intend to do me any harm.

After my last class of the day, I made a bee-line straight for the bus stop. The bus, however, chose the perfect day to be running behind schedule. My stomach dropped when it was not parked outside the university, nor was it driving towards the stop. Some students were waiting for it, too, so I wandered over to join them.

As I was waiting silently, I got _that feeling_ in my stomach. The back of my neck tingled. I turned but there was no one behind me. It felt as though someone was watching me. Despite the warmth of the day, I could feel sweat breaking out on my forehead. I looked to my right.

There he was. Not twenty feet away. Magnus was standing on the sidewalk staring straight at me. His hands were shoved in his pockets and his head was cocked slightly to the side. Even from a distance I could see the faint curve of a smile on his lips. He ever so slightly inclined his head, his eyes unblinking.

I jumped when the bus came to a stop in front of me. I pulled my eyes away from Magnus and clambered on, seating myself on the far side. My eyes were on the floor when the bus pulled away, but I felt Magnus's gaze on me as it drove by him.

I was a paranoid mess on the walk from the bus stop to the apartment. Every alley I walked by had me tightening my grip on my knife. But I made it back to my apartment unscathed and unchallenged. As I had the night before, I triple-locked the door and backed away from it.

I crumpled to the floor, sucking in ragged breaths. My cut stung as tears streaked down my face. I tucked my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around them as I sobbed.

Of course I was scared for my life, and frightened by what had happened to me. But that wasn't what terrified me.

No.

What terrified me was seeing Magnus, himself, outside the university. It wasn't the lethalness I associated with him. What terrified me was that all I could notice was the broadness of his shoulders, his slender hips, his dark hair, his tantalizing eyes. What terrified me was that I wanted him.


	3. Russian Roulette

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for checking this out, folks! Hope you're enjoying it! :) And thank you, Mélanie, for the comment!!

_We stood at opposite ends of a long hallway. The walls were gray. Not a single paper decorated any of the bulletin boards. Every door had been closed. Overhead, a faulty light flickered and buzzed loudly while the others blazed uninterrupted. The presence of a single soul could not be sensed. We were alone._

_He did nothing; simply stared at me. I dared not call out to him. I looked over my shoulder. There was not a door behind me, but it felt as though I'd be barricaded in, trapped. When I turned back, I nearly jumped to find him approaching me. His stride was quick and confident._

_He came to a stop in front of me, his frame towering over mine. Intimidation had me cowering under his stare, but I managed to lift my eyes to meet his. He smiled then. Such an innocent, friendly smile. One that gave butterflies flight in my stomach._

_Then he lifted the gun._

_"You like Russian Roulette?" His voice, though quiet, echoed down the hall._

_My lips, as well as my feet, were frozen. I couldn't speak, couldn't move. I just gaped at the gun, gaped at Magnus, then gaped at the gun again._

_Magnus's smile broadened as he calmly aimed the barrel at his temple. His eyes never left mine. He didn't blink, didn't even flinch, when he pulled the trigger._

_Click._

_Magnus pulled the barrel from his head and slowly moved it until I felt the cold metal licking at the junction between my throat and my jaw. My knees wobbled beneath me, but I managed to hold my own weight. Part of my brain was screaming at me to swat the gun away, to turn and make a run for it. But I waited. I stared up at Magnus as he pulled the trigger._

_Click._

_I blinked and Magnus lowered the gun. His free hand came up and I felt warmth as he brushed his thumb over my cheek. My pulse was out of control. He stepped closer to me, his eyes falling from my eyes to my lips. I sucked in a breath. He dipped his head lower. I could feel his breath, could feel the soft brush—_

I jackknifed upright with a yell as a loud alarm screamed in my ear. I looked around wildly, still struggling out of sleep's chokehold. I was laying on the floor, curled up against the wall opposite from the entry way. Had I fallen asleep staring at the door?

My muscles were knotted and stiff from sleeping on the floor, but they relaxed considerably after a hot shower. But the steam did nothing to relax my mind. The dream replayed over and over in my head. Magnus kissing me. Russian Roulette. Magnus kissing me...

_Get a grip_ , I chastised myself. _He wants to kill you_.

I turned off the water and stood dripping, rooted in place, as another voice whispered, _Does he_?

* * *

 

Class was a whirlwind of a lecture I paid no attention to, vocabulary terms that didn't make any sense, and a homework assignment that I didn't write down. Normally, not understanding class material would have scared the hell out of me. But my lack of sleep made me too tired to care today. I spent the entire period staring at nothing. I didn't even bother to open my notebook.

Before I could escape with the other students, Val Morgenstern called me up to the front of the room. He waited until everyone else had dismissed themselves before shooting me a critical look. He was leaning up against his desk, arms folded across his chest.

"What's up with you, Lightwood?" he asked gruffly.

I blinked at him. Val Morgenstern looked like the kind of guy who didn't give a shit about anyone. But his question, though stern, was shockingly concerned.

"Nothing," I said.

My typical answer made a vein pop out in his head. "I think you're bullshitting me."

I didn't want him to pry so I shrugged and said, "I'm just going through a rough patch."

"Family problems?"

"Yeah." It wasn't technically a lie.

He pointed to the cut on my face. "That have to do with family, too?"

"No. That was a result of my own stupidity." Again, not technically a lie.

Morgenstern nodded, though his narrowed eyes hinted that he didn't believe me. "How are the grant forms coming along?"

_Great! They're currently in the hands of some psycho thug who probably doesn't even know the square root of four_. "They're coming along."

"Do you have your homework assignment to pass in today?"

I gawked at him. "Huh?"

Val pinched the bridge of his nose. "I'll take that as a no."

It hit me then, like a slap to the face. There _was_ an assignment due today, and I'd forgotten all about it. I raked my fingers through my hair and uttered a curse.

"Protocol suggests I give you a failing grade." Val sighed at my panicked expression. "But I'm going to make a once in a lifetime exception for you, Lightwood. I'll give you an extension. Hand the assignment in next class. All other due dates are final. If this happens again, you'll get a failing grade."

"T-thank you," I stammered, taken aback by his generosity.

"Don't tell anyone about the extension," he growled.

That was a silent jab at me. Morgenstern probably knew I had no friends. Who would I blab my luck off to? But that was Val Morgenstern. Threatening. Menacing. Intimidating.

"Thank you," I said again as I hurried out of the classroom before he could change his mind.

* * *

 

I'm not sure what the bus driver thought of me. Maybe he thought I was lost. Or maybe he thought I was just some psycho who rode the same bus for hours on end just for kicks. Or maybe my sitting in the same spot without getting off at any of the stops pissed him off. Whatever his thoughts were, he said nothing to me.

I finally got up from my seat a couple of blocks away from Central Park. My legs were moving at their own accord again. I knew the safest place for me to be at the moment was at home, but I felt too messed up, too wrong, to be cooped up. Walking was supposed to relieve stress, wasn't it?

A small curve of the sun was the last remnant of light in the sky. A dusk chill had picked up, but the cold's bite felt like a just punishment through my jacket. The park's crowds had dispersed and the peace and quiet gave me time to think.

Not only had I nearly avoided getting a failing grade, but I'd also blanked out and missed an entire class's worth of notes. Aside from that, a gang leader had taken up residence in my dreams and thoughts. He was a threat to me, a threat to my brother; yet, I thought about him like a horny teenager.

I shrugged my shoulders against another gust of brisk wind. My feet came to a stop on a bridge. I wanted to keep walking, to go on forever with no particular destination in mind. But my mess of a life would always be just a step behind. I could try to outrun fear. I could try to outrun failure. But I couldn't outrun myself. I wasn't one to run from my problems. I suffered in silence.

As I turned to head back to the bus stop, I bumped into something solid. I muttered an apology when I realized it was a person, but I realized he was standing too close to me. I hadn't heard him, but part of me guessed he'd been following me.

I took a step back and eyed him up and down. He was shorter than me, with wild black hair that stuck out in every direction. His movements were jittery and his eyes darted around like a cornered animal's. He murmured something indistinguishable.

"Pardon?"

"Give me your wallet," he demanded without looking at me.

_Well shit_. "I don't have it on me."

"Don't lie." His voice cracked and his eye twitched.

"I don't have anything on me—"

"DON'T LIE!" He reached under his coat and withdrew a large hunting knife.

I automatically reached into my coat pocket for my Swiss Army knife, but cursed when it was not there. I'd forgotten to grab it when I left the apartment. I raised my hands in surrender as I sized the man up. He was at a disadvantage with his height, but I wasn't sure how strong he was. Despite his shaking he seemed fairly agile. I didn't know if I could fight him off and I didn't know if I could outrun him.

"Give me your wallet," he hissed again.

"I don't have it—"

I narrowly jumped out of the way as he lashed at me with the knife. He raised it to swing again when a sharp whistle stilled him. He turned and I looked over his shoulder. A tall, dark figure was leaning against a tree nearby. We watched as he or she pushed off the tree and sauntered toward us, hands in pockets. My jaw fell open when I finally discerned Magnus Bane's features in the growing darkness.

He ambled toward us like he was...taking a walk in the park. As he neared, I noticed the mugger had gone deathly pale. His weapon was lowered and he was shaking more badly than before. There was no doubt in my mind that he knew who Magnus Bane was.

Magnus stopped at the mugger's side and glared down at him. Like a flash of lightning, he reached out and snatched the knife from the mugger's hand. "Beat it."

And just like that the mugger took off in the opposite direction, not daring to look over his shoulder. I stared at Magnus, incredulous. Magnus twirled the knife in his hand before tucking it away. He looked down at me with an amused half-smile.

"I wouldn't worry about that fang banger too much. Those fucks aren't much of a threat."

"Umm... Fang banger?"

Magnus gave a one-shouldered shrug. "That's what we call them. They're the equivalent to gangs as what Edward Cullen is to vampires. They're a nuisance."

"Nuisances with knives."

Magnus smiled. "He didn't hurt you, did he?"

I checked myself quickly, keeping my face down to hide my growing blush. "No."

"Do you go looking for trouble Alexander Lightwood?" Magnus tilted his head. "Or is trouble magnetized to you?"

"I've been wondering that myself."

"Fair enough." He waved his hand. "Come on. I'll take you home."

Magnus turned and started walking away. When he didn't stop to check if I was following him, I darted after him. I thought I saw the amused grin again, but when he flicked his eyes down at me, I hastily looked away. We walked in silence to the bus stop and we rode to our next stop without saying a word. Magnus seemed perfectly at ease as we walked to my apartment mutely. I, on the other hand, was constantly at war with myself trying to decide between possibly humiliating myself in making conversation or not breaking the silence.

He stopped just outside my apartment. "Take care, Alex."

"Wait!" I reached out and touched his elbow before he could walk away.

His look of surprise must have mirrored my own.

"How did you know I was in the park?"

"You didn't notice the fang banger following you. Nor did you notice me," he said. "You need to be more aware of your surroundings, Alex."

I rubbed my arm awkwardly. "Thank you. For helping me." He dipped his head. "Take care of yourself," he said before he turned and walked away.

I stared after him until he disappeared from my sight. It seemed that every time I came into contact with Magnus Bane I felt less threatened by him and more passionate toward him. And it wrenched my heart to know that I was falling in love with my brother's worst enemy.


	4. Visitors

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, everyone! So this was my first attempt at writing legitimate smut. It's not the greatest, but I do hope all you Malec fans enjoy it! :) This chapter might be it for a little while. I'm really running short on time for writing. Hopefully I can get caught up on the weekend! Thanks again for the kudos! Feel free to leave more comments! Cheers!

I did not know how long I had been staring at the TV before I realized it wasn’t even on. The remote was still clenched tightly in my hand, but I made no move for the power button. The drone of the TV’s company did not sate my desire for social interaction. Normally I liked to be alone, but lately my solitude had left an unsettling feeling deep within me. It was as if my isolation had found a slit in my skin and was slowly tearing me open.

I reached into my pocket and pulled out my phone, thumbing through my contacts in search of Jace’s name. My thumb hovered over the call button. Would I be killed if I tried to spend the day with my brother, even if I had no intention of telling him anything about Magnus or the others? Certainly they’d be on high alert. What if Magnus thought I was going to betray our promise? What if he never spoke to me again?

As I moved to shut my phone off, something caught my eye. The number of contacts in my phone was limited. I knew, by heart, that Isabelle, my sister, was listed right above Jace. And directly below him followed Maryse, my mother, and Robert, my father. But there was an extra name. Right between Jace and Maryse.

Magnus.

My heart skipped a beat at the same time my stomach did a flip. I stared at his name for an eternity, wondering how it had gotten there. But it occurred to me that Magnus had had access to my phone when Raphael had confiscated my backpack. He’d made a risky move and entered his number into my phone. But why? Magnus had told me that he trusted me. I dared to wonder if there was some other underlying feeling that had persuaded Magnus to give me a way to talk to him. Privately.

I opened up a new message and let my fingers flit over the keys. There was a moment of hesitation before I pushed the send button.

**Hello**?

Not even half a minute later my phone buzzed with a reply.

_**Alexander**_.

His voice rang clear in my head as I read his text. I could hear the lilt as he said my name. Just staring at the screen made heat creep into my cheeks.

_**Took you long enough**_ , he said.

**I didn’t realize there was something to look for** , I answered honestly.

_**Glad you caught on**_.

My head swirled. I tried to think of a witty reply, but Magnus texted first.

**_Do you need something_**?

My heart sank. I couldn’t decipher Magnus’s tone from his text. Was he irritated that I had bothered him? Or was he genuinely concerned about me? Maybe interested in my reason for texting him?

I took a shaky breath as I inched myself toward the proverbial cliff.

**Come to my apartment**?

The time that lapsed between our responses made me instantly nervous. I chewed on my fingernails as I waited. When my phone finally buzzed, I could barely bring myself to look at the screen, dreading what he would say next.

_**Apartment number**_?

I numbly typed in my reply. I’d have been lying if I said he hadn’t shocked the hell out of me. He didn’t send another text after that, but I waited for a long time anyway. Then, like a slap to the head, it dawned on me that he was probably on his way at that moment. I scrambled to my feet and bolted around the apartment in a hasty attempt to make the place presentable. I’d just hidden my dirty laundry in my closet when I heard a knock at the door.

I froze. If I hadn’t known better, I would have thought I was standing on top of an earthquake from the way my body trembled. With shaking legs I made my way to the front door and slowly opened it.

Magnus stood in the hallway, smiling down at me with his crooked smile that turned my insides to mush. He inclined his head. “Alexander.”

“H-hello,” I stammered.

Upon my invitation he stepped into the apartment. His movements were slow and cautious as he looked around. My eyes roamed over his body as his back was turned, devouring the broadness of his shoulders, the firm curve of his ass, the—

“Nice place you got here,” Magnus said, interrupting my visual gratification.

“Thank you.” I felt the maddening flush in my cheeks again. “My parents forced me to live here.”

“How rude of them.” Magnus’s tone was slightly bitter. “Is your brother here?”

I blanched at him. “I— What?”

“I hate to think that this is some sort of ambush.” He reached behind him and pulled out a gun. He showed the weapon to me, but he did not aim it at me. “Do not think that I won’t use this. I will if I have to. Now. Is your brother here?”

“No.”

“Why did you ask me to come here?”

In my nervousness, I said the first thing that came to my mind. “I have something for you. To show you my appreciation for saving my skin in the park last night.”

After another quick look around, Magnus put his gun away. “Is that so?”

_Shit. What the hell am I supposed to give him_? “Yeah. Wait here.”

I hurried into the kitchen, where I felt Magnus’s eyes on me the entire time. The first thing that caught my eye was the chocolate bar I had bought several nights ago, before I had even met Magnus. I picked it up and walked back to him, the chocolate bar outstretched.

“Thank you again. For saving me,” I said.

Magnus took the small rectangle from me. His face was twisted up, like he was trying really hard not to laugh.

“I’ve got some cash in my wallet if you prefer...”

“No, no.” Magnus waved his hand and grinned at me. “This is perfect. And you’re welcome. For saving you.” He set the chocolate on a nearby end table. “I’ve never met anyone like you before, Alexander.”

My answer sounded more like a question. “Thank you?”

He stepped closer to me. “There’s something I’ve been wondering.”

My pulse pounded in my throat. “Yeah?”

Knocking at the door interrupted Magnus before he could reply. We both looked at the door, startled. When I glanced up at Magnus I saw his expression was suspicious and frightened. I didn’t blame him; there was only one person who would drop by for a visit.

Raising my finger to my lips, I grabbed Magnus’s wrist and pulled him into the kitchen. I opened the pantry door and motioned for him to get inside. He gave me a questioning look but stepped into the space without argument. I closed the pantry and rushed to answer the door.

“Hey, brother!” Jace grinned broadly.

“Jace? What are you doing here?”

“I was in the neighborhood and thought I’d stop by for a visit.” Jace pushed his way into the apartment before I could think up an excuse.

“Now is really not a good time,” I called to his back.

Jace plopped onto a chair in the living room and looked over at me. “Don’t you ever take a break from studying?”

I moved into the living room, determined to drag my brother from the chair if I had to. “I’m not studying. It’s something more important. Can you please just leave?”

Jace got up, eyeing my curiously. I casually looked over my shoulder at the pantry. The doors were still closed, but I realized that all Magnus had to do was pull out his gun, open the door a crack, and take aim. On the other hand, if Jace found out Magnus was here, Magnus would be trapped.

“What’s up with you?” Jace asked.

“I’m—” I scrambled for something convincing. “I’m meeting a girl. Here. I need you to go.”

Jace’s face was blank for a second before he threw his head back and laughed. “That’s my boy! Why didn’t you say so?”

“It’s still sinking in,” I said breathlessly.

“Can I meet her?”

“No!” I herded Jace toward the door. “I mean, there’s no point. She’s not sticking around very long, if you know what I mean.”

Jace twisted to curl his arm around my neck and ruffle my hair, the way he used to when we were kids. “I’m so proud of you.”

“I’ve got quite the role model to look up to.”

Jace turned as I shoved him out the door and gave me a salute. “Have fun,” he said with a wink, before turning and walking down the hall.

“I will.” I watched him disappear around the corner before slamming the door shut and locking it. I hurried to the pantry and threw open the doors. Magnus was pressed against the wall, his gun in hand. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know he was coming.”

Magnus let out a deep breath. “I was beginning to think I’d put my trust in the wrong person.” He put his gun away and stepped out of the pantry. “I should probably go.”

My mouth bobbed open and closed as I fumbled for something to say. “Wait! You wanted to ask me something.”

Magnus stopped in the entry way and wiped his hand over his face. “I think you pretty much answered my question.”

“Ask me anyway,” I begged.

Magnus sighed. “I wanted to know if you’re like me.”

“I don’t understand.”

Magnus turned suddenly and stepped closer to me, pushing me back against the wall. I was hyper-aware of the minimal space between my body and Magnus's. His hands were braced against the wall just beside my head, his arms creating a barricade around me. I swallowed past the lump in my throat.

"Are you like me?" he asked again.

"Like you?"

He dipped his face closer to mine. "Like me."

And then he was kissing me. I closed my eyes against the softness of his lips. His moved against mine in a perfectly synchronized dance. I felt his tongue slip past my lips and into my mouth. He groaned as he tasted me. I sighed against his mouth.

Magnus slid one hand down to fist his fingers in my hair. I reached up and touched his jaw, the stubble on his skin prickling my fingertips. His other hand moved to cup the back of my neck, holding me in place. He slowly pulled his mouth away, nipping gently at my bottom lip.

"You're like me," he whispered.

I nodded, breathless, as I finally understood his question. "I'm like you."

His crooked smile melted my heart and made me weak in the knees. His mouth dove for mine again, and I welcomed the invasion of his tongue. As he kissed me, his hand slid down my back and rested on my ass. I moaned when he gave a gentle squeeze.

Abruptly his hands moved to grab the hem of my shirt. He had it up and over my head before I could move to help him. He dropped the shirt to the floor and pushed me up against the wall, his arms wrapped around me and our mouths molded together.

"Magnus, I've never done this before," I said between kisses.

Magnus pulled away and looked down into my eyes. "You're a virgin?"

I felt heat creep into my cheeks. "Don't say it like that."

"You've never had sex?"

I shook my head, and Magnus surprised me by smiling. He hooked his fingers into my belt loops and pulled my pelvis against his. "You have no idea how happy that makes me."

He took my hand and asked me to point out the way to the bedroom. My heart was racing so fast it made me dizzy. Once at our destination, Magnus turned and kissed me again. I wasn't aware of him pushing me toward the bed until I fell back against the mattress. Magnus positioned himself over me and began moving his mouth downward. I sighed as he kissed my neck. He planted a trail of soft kisses across my collarbone before sweeping his tongue over my nipple. I jumped and let out a gasp. Magnus chuckled and continued moving his lips toward my navel. I heard the clinking of my belt buckle as he moved to unclasp the leather.

My stomach was doing flips, but I did not want him to stop. I knew what was coming next, and I was terrified. But I wanted to be at Magnus's mercy. I wanted to be with him.

Magnus unzipped my pants and slid them down my legs, pulling my underwear with them. I turned my face away, embarrassed, as he tugged them off my ankles and dropped them to the floor. He repositioned himself so he was above me. He reached down and turned my face gently so I was looking up at him. His mouth pressed over mine again. I closed my eyes, losing myself to his touch. I felt the touch of his hand on my belly like fireworks against my skin. Slowly his fingers crept downward until they wrapped around me.

I gasped and broke away from the kiss, my eyes wide. He looked down at me with a reassuring smile. His hand remained wrapped around my shaft.

"Do you want me to stop?" he whispered.

All I could do was shake my head. Magnus lowered his mouth to my ear and drew his tongue over the lobe. I sucked in a breath. He nipped at the sensitive tissue and slowly began pumping his hand up and down. I could feel myself steadily growing harder. My breath hitched in my throat and I began to move my hips in rhythm with my hand.

All of a sudden Magnus flipped me onto my stomach. He lifted my hips from the mattress and grabbed my length again, continuing his pumping. I lifted myself onto my elbows as my body rocked forward and back. Magnus draped himself over me and kissed the back of my neck.

"Does it feel good?"

"God, yes."

He took his free hand and reached around to tease my nipple. I moaned at the assault of sensations. I could feel it. The growing flutter in the pit of my belly. Magnus sensed I was close and picked up his speed. My breath came in shallow pants as I neared my orgasm. His name passed my lips as a desperate cry.

"Come, Alex."

His words triggered my release. I arched my back as my body went rigid, tremors of intense pleasure wracking every muscle. Magnus did not still his hand until my climax ended and I sagged forward, barely able to hold myself up. A droplet of sweat trickled down my face and splattered against the bed sheet.

His body still pressed against mine, Magnus began planting kisses across my shoulder blades. He reached both hands up and massaged my pectoral muscles. He rocked his hips against my ass, and I felt myself growing hard again. Magnus's weight disappeared for a moment before I felt the heat of his naked skin against my back. I could still feel the roughness of his jeans.

"Do you want this, Alex?"

My voice was barely a whisper. "Yes."

I turned onto my side as Magnus stepped off the bed. He unzipped his jeans and stepped out of them. My eyes roamed his naked chest, drinking in the curve of his muscles. They found the trail of dark hair extending from his navel beneath his underwear. Agonizingly slowly, Magnus shimmed out of his boxers. My eyes darted up to his face as more heat flooded my cheeks. I couldn't help but feel embarrassed by his arousal.

Magnus crawled back onto the mattress and rolled me onto my back. He stroked the side of my face, whispering that it was okay. I arched my neck, a silent request for him to kiss me. He obliged. His mouth sealed over mine and our tongues moved against each other.

All too soon he was rolling me over again. I raised myself onto all fours as Magnus grabbed my hips. I couldn't help the twinge of fear that passed through me when I felt his tip press against me.

He kissed the small of my back and said, "Just relax."

I bit down on my lip as he slowly entered me. His fingers dug until my hips as he held me in place. Finally I felt Magnus's thighs against my own. He held still, instructing me to take deep breaths as my body stretched around him. The pain and discomfort slowly began to subside, but when Magnus reached around and began stroking me I no longer noticed either.

I reached down and grabbed his wrist, stilling his movement. "Magnus. Move. Please."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah." I let go of his wrist and braced myself.

Magnus slowly withdrew and thrust back into me. We groaned at the same time. I rocked back against him as he undulated, his rhythm slow and steady.

"Fuck, Alex," Magnus moaned. "You feel so good."

"Magnus, please," I panted. "Harder."

He obliged without question. It was all I could do not to cry out in ecstasy as he slammed into me again and again. Magnus picked up the pace and began stroking me again. I could feel my impending orgasm. Magnus thrust harder and faster. I moaned his name over and over until he pushed me over the brink. He continued pumping as my body shuddered. He gasped my name and thrust one final time. I felt him twitch inside me, followed by a burst of heat.

We remained still as we caught our breath. Magnus slowly pulled out of me and I winced at the uncomfortable sensation. I collapsed face-down on the mattress. I felt a great satisfaction from the pleasure, but at the same time I felt exhausted. And part of me was thrilled that I’d finally had sex, but a fraction of me was appalled by who I’d had sex _with_.

Magnus, who was curled up beside me, reached over and gently turned me over. He kissed me again, long and deep, before wrapping his arm around my shoulders and pulling me against him. I nestled against his warmth and inhaled his scent. Though there was something so comfortable, so familiar, about being at Magnus’s side, I reminded myself not to get too attached. There was no telling if I’d see Magnus again after this.

I tried not to let that thought nag me.

“Magnus?” I whispered.

“Hmm?”

I buried my face against his chest. “Will you stay for a little while?”

Magnus kissed my hair and surprised me by saying, “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”


	5. Perfect Chemistry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long for the update! I hope this chapter does not disappoint!

My body was on the threshold between sleep and wakefulness. I could not drag myself out of my slumber, but I was aware that I was laying in bed, too tired to open my eyes. With a groan I rolled over onto my stomach. My arm slipped over the edge of the bed and my fingertips brushed against the shock of the cold floor. I tucked my arm against my chest and nestled into the pillow...

_The edge of the bed?_

Slowly, I peeled my eyes open and blinked away the haze. The bedroom was completely dark except for the slit of light filtering in from under the door. I sat up and switched on the bedside lamp. The harsh brightness was an assault on my eyes, but it was not as intense as the fear and confusion in my heart when I realized Magnus was gone. Even his clothes had vanished.

Throwing off the covers, I yanked on an over-sized t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants before trudging down the hallway. My pace was slow and measured, unlike my heartbeat. Part of me was afraid Magnus had snuck out in the middle of the night, and with every step I was drawing nearer to the answer. When I peered around the corner, I froze. Whether it was shock or relief that rendered me immobile, I did not know.

He was there, sitting on the floor in front of the coffee table. He was hunched over a large book, the eraser end of a pencil pinioned between his teeth. Too immersed in the book's contents to notice me, Magnus did not look up as I slowly approached. As I inched closer I noticed a piece of paper with scribbles waiting, at the ready, beside the book. I also noticed my unzipped backpack propped up against the couch, not at all in the same position I'd left it.

"Is that," I said quietly, "my textbook?"

Alarmed, Magnus jumped and yanked the pencil from his mouth. His hand darted to slam the textbook shut, but when he noticed my amused smile he let out a soft laugh and opted for grabbing the piece of paper, folding it, and placing it in his lap.

"Sorry," he said, rather shyly. "I was just reading."

I leaned forward and peered down at the textbook. "About chemistry?"

Magnus tapped the pages with the pencil. "Are you really studying this?"

"Yeah."

His yellow-green eyes looked up into mine. "You amaze me. This is really challenging stuff."

Slowly, as if moving too fast would spook him, I lowered myself to the floor and sat cross-legged at Magnus's side. I watched the side of his face as his eyes searched the text in fascination. "Yeah, it is challenging."

The corner of Magnus's mouth twitched. He propped his elbow up on the table and turned to face me, his cheek cupped in his palm. "I'll bet it's easy for _you_."

My gaze dropped to my lap. I knew Magnus wouldn't believe me if I tried to deny it. Heat flared in my cheeks as I felt his eyes on my face. With a one-shouldered shrug, I said modestly, "I do all right. I mean, I don't struggle with chemistry."

"Why do you do that?"

I peeked at him. "Do what?"

"Hide your assets," he clarified. "Your intelligence, your face. Why do you try to slip into the background?"

"Because," I began, struggling to find my voice, "I don't...belong...in the foreground. What's this?"

Magnus's train of thought was derailed when I snatched the folded piece of paper sitting in his lap. He reached for it to try and grab it back, but I evaded his reach and unfolded it. I stared, uncomprehending, at Magnus's writing. There was a long moment of silence as I deciphered the scrawled letters, numbers, and symbols.

I peered at him over the top edge of the paper. "You did this?"

Magnus scratched his head uncomfortably. "I was just...experimenting. Seeing what I could do."

I glanced at the equations again. "Magnus, these are all correct."

"Really?" He looked genuinely surprised. "I guess I'm not as rusty as I thought."

"Did you take university classes?"

"Me? God, no. I haven't been in school for a very long time."

I frowned. "How long has it been?"

Magnus's face was hard, like he was trying to force away the shame. "I dropped out when I was fifteen. I had to choose between being in a gang and being in school. You can guess which one won."

"Have you ever thought about going back?"

"I'd like to get my GED." Magnus smiled sadly. "I used to dream about going to university."

"So do it. Get your GED and go." I held up the paper pointedly. "You're obviously smart enough."

"My brain is hardwired for chemistry. That doesn't mean I'm an all-around genius." He sighed. "Besides, I don't have time for education when I'm busy watching out for my guys."

I was quiet for a moment and avoided his gaze while I summoned up the courage to say my next words: "Have you ever considered...leaving?"

Magnus seemed unbothered by my question, as if he'd already asked himself the same thing a million times. "I've considered that option too many times to count."

"So what's holding you back?"

He shot me an almost offended look and answered defensively, "The guys that follow me are my family, Alexander. I don't want to abandon them."

There was something in his tone that hinted his reason was not the sole cause for remaining in his position as leader. My voice was soft, treading lightly, "They'll find someone else."

Magnus stared at me before laughing hollowly. He turned away to close the textbook. "I knew a guy who tried to get out of his life as a gang leader. He'd finally come to his senses and realized he had other dreams. So he quit. He left the dangers associated with his family behind, but by doing so he also left behind the protection that his family could offer. He started a new life, started a new family... But not all aspects of your old life disappear when you walk away. He was dead within two months. His kids grew up without a father."

The silence that hovered between us was gloomy but not uncomfortable. I knew exactly what I wanted to say to Magnus, but my unfamiliarity with him twisted my words into a risk. That risk harbored the threat of Magnus walking away and never looking back.

_A risk only becomes a failure when you fall instead of soar._

There I was again, perched on the edge of the proverbial cliff. And though I was hesitant, I wanted nothing more than to jump.

"We could leave, you know." I could feel his eyes on me, but my gaze was downturned so I could manage to continue speaking. "I could transfer to another school, find another place. You could live with me until you get settled, and I'll help you get your GED."

"Alexander..." His voice was a mixture of incredulousness, happiness, and disapproval.

"We could just be roommates," I assured him. "And I don't mind transferring. I don't have any friends to leave behind. Plus my parents will buy me any place I want so long as I'm making them proud."

When I finally dragged my eyes back to him, he was watching me with his head cocked to the side.

"You'd really do that for me?" He searched my face. "What about Jace?"

I paused. "Jace will be okay. He doesn't exactly have time for me anyway."

"He's your brother."

"My adopted brother." I slammed my mouth shut too late.

Magnus only smiled. "That explains why you two look nothing alike."

I fidgeted with my fingers. "Even if we did, he'd still be the better-looking one."

Magnus's eyes narrowed. I wondered if he was upset with me, if he was going to start yelling. My body reacted on its own, automatically hunching my back and shifting to pull my knees against my chest. I was now smaller, but I did not feel any safer under Magnus's scrutiny.

"Why haven't you told him?"

"That's he's better-looking?" My ducked head made my voice slightly muffled against my knees.

"Stop it." Magnus's voice was stern, serious. "Why haven't you told him that you're not interested in women?"

"I dunno'."

"Bullshit. Tell me."

I sighed. "Please don't think of me as some competitive, self-righteous ass, but next to Jace I don't have a lot going for me. He did well in school, he was very athletic, he's beyond handsome, and charming as fuck. All I have are my smarts. Now, I don't like my parents very much, but I do want them to be proud of me. I'm scared of disappointing all of them. I can't lose my family because then I'll be alone."

"Look at me."

I lifted my face to rest my chin on my knees. Magnus angled his body toward mine and lowered his face until he was eye-level.

"You don't ever have to be alone," he whispered.

My heart leapt into my throat and then ceased to beat as Magnus leaned forward and kissed me. I closed my eyes against the flutter in my stomach. When he started to pull away, I felt myself lean forward to keep our lips from parting. There was a tingling vibration as he chuckled against my mouth.

"You like that, do you?"

I wondered if my eyes reflected the glow I felt in my body when I opened them. "Hell yes."

With a mischievous grin, Magnus placed his hands on my knees and pushed them apart. He crawled forward and pushed on my chest until I was laying on my back. I swallowed hard, every nerve alive and tingling with anticipation. He leaned down and kissed me again. As he pushed his tongue into my mouth, he clasped the hem of my t-shirt and pulled it up. We broke apart to slide it over my head, but Magnus kept the material twisted around my wrists. His eyes sparkled with desire as he stared down at me. He held my wrists above my head against the floor, his expression a silent demand to keep them there. I obliged as he pulled his hand away.

His fingers, warm and gentle, curled around my waist. He kissed me again and lifted my hips slightly from the floor, pressing me up against him. I groaned when I felt his hardness through the barrier of our clothes.

Magnus slid down my body, only stopping to dip his tongue into my navel. I gasped and bucked my hips. My fingers curled into fists, my nails digging into my palms. It was all I could do to keep my wrists against the floor and hold myself back from touching Magnus.

Slowly, he grabbed my sweatpants by the waistband and began dragging them downward. He pulled them to my thighs, freeing my erection.

I let my head fall back and closed my eyes, overwhelmed by both need and embarrassment. Magnus's hand tightened on my hip as I began to squirm. Suddenly something warm and moist travelled up my length from the base to the tip. I let out a sharp breath and lifted my head. Magnus's eyes held mine as he drew his tongue over me again.

I could not deny the overpowering sense of pleasure that Magnus was giving me, but there was a feeling of humiliation that threatened to erase my desire. I'd already taken a big step with Magnus, and _this_ was out of my comfort zone.

"Magnus, I can't," I panted, my voice laced with shame. "Not like this. Not yet."

Magnus immediately pulled his mouth away and repositioned himself so he was staring down into my eyes. He trailed his fingers from my temple to my jaw bone. "It's okay," he breathed.

I craned my neck and pushed my lips against his. He twisted one hand into my hair while the other inched downward and wrapped around me. I moaned, pulled away, and pressed my cheek against his. My breath rushed past his ear, and I turned my nose to his skin to inhale his scent.

"Magnus," I whispered.

His fingers slid from my hair to cup my cheek. He turned my face so he could kiss me again. "You. Are. So. Unbelievably. Hot," he said between kisses.

My lips were preoccupied, but my heart was smiling. It thumped in my chest, somehow both steady and fast at the same time. Against Magnus's unspoken order, my wrists lifted from the floor and I snaked my fingers into his dark, silky hair. The t-shirt, still used as my bonds, sat at the nape of his neck.

My breath hitched in my throat and began to rush out in shallow bursts. Magnus accelerated the rhythm of his hand. As he kissed me again, he tugged on my bottom lip with his teeth. I let out a groan as my body tightened and then released. My limbs quaked with my orgasm, and I clutched onto Magnus tighter. My forehead rested against his as I breathed hard, coming down from the waves of pleasure. Magnus kissed each of my closed eyelids and stroked his thumb across my cheekbone.

"Alex, bonds look very good on you," he said huskily.

I knew he was talking about the t-shirt, but the opportunity was too irresistible to pass up. "Oh, Magnus, talk chemistry to me."

He laughed and bent down to nip at my ear. "You're such a brat."

"Bromine astatine?"

Magnus grinned. "You want me to teach you a lesson?"

With surprising ease, Magnus scooped me up from the floor and carried me down the hall to the bedroom. I laughed and squirmed and struggled in his grip, but in truth, I never wanted him to let me go. I belonged in his arms, and in his arms was my favorite place to be.


	6. Metamorphosis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay between chapters! I hope the steam at the end of this one makes up for it! Enjoy! :) Thanks for the kudos and comments, everyone!

"Alex?"

The soft whisper brushed against my ear. I stirred. Gentle fingers combed through my hair. With a sleep-laden sigh I rolled from my belly to my side and peeled open my eyes. Magnus was crouched beside the bed, his head tilted to mirror mine. He brushed his thumb over my cheekbone before snaking his fingers through my hair again.

"I have to go," he said softly.

"Oh. Okay." I tried to sit up.

Magnus gently pushed me back down. "Go back to sleep. I'll let myself out."

"Will you come back later tonight?"

He smiled. "I thought you'd never ask."

I grinned sleepily. Magnus kissed me once on the mouth and once on the forehead before straightening and treading quietly from the bedroom. I watched him as he left, but I was fast asleep before I heard the front door close.

* * *

 

Early afternoon sunlight caressed my cheek, warming me all the way down to my toes. With a yawn, I threw the covers off my naked torso and stretched. Several muscles cramped in protest, but I did not regret one moment of what had taken place the night before. Slowly I dragged myself out of bed and trudged to the bathroom for a shower. Before I stepped under the steaming jets of water, I chanced a look in the mirror.

Someone nearly unrecognizable stared back at me. His hair was mussed and unkempt, sticking straight up in random spots. His lips were pink and slightly swollen, soft in comparison to the healing scar trailing down the side of his face. This reflection of me somehow looked older: strong, angled features; confident blue eyes; surety in the set of his jaw. This glimpse of myself had me both mortified and entranced. What Magnus saw in the real me was an elusive, baffling thought, but this newborn, altered side of me...I saw the appeal.

After a long, soothing shower, I dressed and headed into the kitchen for breakfast. As I poured cereal into a bowl, I looked over to see my textbook had found its way back into my backpack, and my backpack was back in its original position. I dumped milk into the bowl, grinning like an idiot at Magnus's kind gesture. I'd just raised the spoon to my mouth when there was a knock at the door. Spoon clenched between my lips, I headed to the entryway to answer it.

Jace, who was leaning against the doorframe, winked at me. "Hey, lover boy."

I nearly choked on my breakfast. Yanking the spoon from my mouth and forcing the barely-chewed mush down my throat, I squeaked, "Jace."

"You look..." His golden eyes traced my body from head to foot. "Refreshed."

"I, uh... Thank you?"

Jace peered past me. "Is she still here?"

"No..."

"Good." He strode in without an invitation. "Now I can have a chat with my brother."

I closed the door and joined him in the living room. He collapsed onto the sofa and watched me with an amused expression. I diverted my attention to setting my bowl on the coffee table and seating myself across from him. My secrets were burning in my cheeks; I could feel them.

"Sooo..." he drawled, prodding. "How did it go?"

"How did what go?"

"Come on, man!" Jace clasped his hands behind his head, and his shirt strained against his chest muscles. "Don't keep me in suspense!"

"Oh, you mean my date," I said, remembering my lie.

"Yeah, your date." Jace picked up a sofa cushion and chucked it at my head. "Did you score?"

I batted the cushion away and let it fall beside me. "Well, duh."

"How was it?"

I picked at the knee of my jeans. "Judging by the sounds she was making, she had the night of her life."

"Alexander, you dog. How was it for you?"

"Amazing." I smiled. "He was amazing."

"She, you mean."

My heart skipped a beat. "What?"

"You said _he_ was amazing." Jace's smirk was teasing. "Something you want to tell me, Alec?"

"I said she."

"No, you didn't."

"Fuck you. I said she." I picked up the pillow and hurled it back at him, hoping he wouldn't notice the blood that had drained from my face.

Jace held the pillow like a football and began twirling it in one hand. "Whatever, homo. So what's she like?"

I fought to not let the derogatory term bother me. With all the composure I could muster I answered, "She's...not what you'd expect."

"In English, Robert Frost."

"I don't know... She looks like she'd slice your throat open, but deep down she's this sweet, sensitive, caring person."

"How's her rack?"

"Jace!"

He held up his hands. "Just curious."

"Yeah, well, control yourself or your curiosity is going to be showing in your pants."

"Tell me what she looks like."

"Why?"

"If she's my type, maybe I'll have a go at her. Offer her round two of the Lightwood brothers."

I glared at him. "She would never go for someone like you."

"You cocky little shit." Jace looked unoffended. "Tell me."

"She's got dark hair. And eyes like sunlight on tree leaves."

Jace wrinkled his nose. "I'm not a fan of dark hair. No offense."

"None taken."

"So are you seeing her again?"

_Hell, yes_. "Maybe."

"Will I get to meet her?"

_Hello, no_. "Maybe."

* * *

 

"Thanks again for dinner."

Magnus looked from the pond below the bridge to me. "You're welcome."

I picked up a fallen leaf from the wooden railing and dropped it over the edge, watching it flutter down to the water's surface. "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

I lowered my voice. "Is it really necessary for Raphael to be playing chaperone?"

Magnus looked over his shoulder. I knew the brunette was keeping a respectful distance, but I could still feel his eyes burning into the back of my skull. I knew Raphael wouldn't dare hurt me, but that didn't stop the hatred from leaking out of his pores.

"The restaurant was on the border of two territories," Magnus explained. "I just wanted to have backup in case something happened."

"Was he angry when he found out you were bringing me to dinner?"

"Raphael?" Magnus let out a long breath, creating a cloud in the crisp evening air. "He wasn't overly thrilled when I told him I was bring Jace Lightwood's brother, no."

"I know he detests me."

Magnus bumped my shoulder with his. "In all fairness, Raphael detests most people."

"Not you, though."

He smiled. "Depends on the day."

Our elbows were on the railing. My hands were clasped over the edge. Magnus twirled a yellow leaf between his fingers. He gave it a flick and we both watched as it floated down to the pond. I felt him watching me, then. I turned my head and caught his eyes. Magnus sidled closer and dipped his head closer to mine. Our foreheads touched, but before his lips could brush mine, my eyes caught Raphael watching. I bowed my head shyly, narrowly avoiding Magnus's kiss. To my surprise, he let out a soft chuckle and kissed the top of my head instead. He turned back to the pond and moved his hand to interlace his fingers with mine. I squeezed his hand, ducking my blushing face and hiding my smile.

"Come on." Magnus pushed away from the railing, still holding my hand. "I should take you home."

We started back down the park's path with Raphael in tow. It was quiet between the three of us, but none of us seemed to mind. Magnus never released my hand; I caught him looking down at me with a loving grin several times, but he also caught me sneaking glances up at him. Once or twice I heard Raphael making gagging noises behind us, which seemed to amuse Magnus to no end.

We were about halfway through the park when Magnus suddenly stopped. He pulled on my hand, positioning me him slightly behind him. I looked up at him, a question poised on my lips, but Magnus was staring straight ahead. I followed his gaze.

Three figures stalked toward us. They fanned out, their strides challenging. When I looked over my shoulder, I saw two more guys approaching from behind. Raphael was facing them, his hand reaching inside his coat.

"Magnus?" My voice was a whisper.

In less than half a second, Magnus's eyes had switched from calm to feral. He looked around wildly for an escape. "Remember the fang banger that was in the park last time?"

I swallowed. "Yeah."

"Remember how I said they're a nuisance?"

"Yeah."

"That's a bit of an understatement when they're in a group."

The men closed in, surrounding us. Raphael still stood with his back to ours, a knife wielded in his hand. I locked eyes with one of the outsiders. He spat on the ground. His lethal gaze did not leave mine for a second. He'd seen me holding Magnus's hand. They'd all seen me. In their eyes, I was now distinguished as a threat, an enemy.

"Alexander," Magnus said lowly, "the first chance you get, you run as far from here as possible."

"What about you?"

"You run, and you leave every one of us behind. Do you understand me?"

Two of the men lunged before I could reply. Magnus threw me behind him and reached for his gun in one smooth motion. Just as he brought it around, one of the men grabbed his wrist and twisted. Magnus grunted and the gun slipped from his fingers. Both men jumped on him, swinging their fists and beating his body.

The commotion caused Raphael to whirl around. He moved forward to help his leader.

"Raphael, no!" Magnus shouted as he fought off his attackers. "Protect _him_! Protect _him_!"

Something hard slammed into me. I crashed against the ground, winded. A man with an eyebrow piercing and black hair streaked with electric blue, the same one I had locked gazes with, straddled me. He raised his fist and punched down at my face. I whipped my head to the side just in time and he punched the ground. He cried out and clutched his hand to his chest. I thrashed underneath him and managed to shake him off. Just as I rolled to my feet, he snatched my ankle and yanked. I fell to my knees, scrabbling to get away.

Magnus was holding his own against his two attackers. One of the outsiders that had attacked Raphael was on the ground holding his stomach, blood oozing between his fingers. Raphael had the other in a headlock. He kept looking over at Magnus. Despite Magnus's orders, Raphael did not look at me once. I was invisible to him. I was on my own.

With a yell, I threw my heel into my attacker's stomach. He groaned and his grip loosened, but only for a moment. With renewed and infuriated vigour, he twisted my ankle and hauled me toward him. I didn't have time to lift my hands before he grabbed the collar of my shirt and punched me in the mouth.

White light flashed in front of my eyes and blood burst against my tongue. A glob of blood and spit slipped from my lips and splashed against my shirt. All movement seemed to slow down. I saw the world with a new clarity; colors were brighter, shape edges were sharper.

The outsider raised his fist to strike again. As his knuckles cut through the air, I raised my left hand and deflected the blow. I threw all my momentum into my right shoulder and swung out. My fist caught the man's eye and his head snapped back with a crack. He instantly released me and collapsed onto his back, out cold. I sucked in a breath as bone-rattling pain raced from my fingertips to my shoulder. Already my knuckles began to swell around the split skin.

I looked up in time to see Raphael throw down his last attacker. The outsider remained on the ground, unmoving. Raphael did not waste a beat in rushing to Magnus's aid. He pulled an outsider, a blonde with dreadlocks, off his leader and trapped him in a chokehold. Magnus was on the ground under his remaining attacker, but he shot out his arm and picked up his gun. The fang banger went still as Magnus aimed the barrel at him. Magnus slid out from under him and rose, never aiming the gun in another direction. With a cry, the attacker scrambled to his feet and fled. The blonde struggled against Raphael until he managed to slip free and chase after his friend.

Magnus slid his gun into the waistband of his jeans and hurried toward me, but not before shooting a glare at his second in command. He dropped to his knees beside me and gently lifted my chin to inspect my face. "Alex, are you all right?"

I swallowed a mouthful of spit and blood. "Is kicking ass always this much fun?"

Magnus grinned. Raphael rolled his eyes.

* * *

 

Magnus finished wrapping my hand in gauze and gently pressed an icepack to my knuckles. He screwed the cap back on the antibiotic cream and placed any unused supplies back in the first aid kit. With a frown, he gently brushed his thumb over my lip where it had split and started to swell.

"Are you sure you're all right?"

"I'm fine," I insisted, pulling his hand from my face and clasping his fingers between mine.

"I never want anything like that to happen to you again, Alexander."

I grinned. "I'm a magnet for trouble, remember?"

Magnus's smile did not reach his eyes. He clasped my hand between his and looked down at the floor. "I'm no good for you, Alex."

"You're no good for me," I agreed. "And I'm too good for you. We cancel each other out, which means we're actually perfect for each other."

My teasing rolled off his shoulders. He stared at me seriously. "I'd rather see you with someone else than see you hurt again because of me."

"I don't want anyone else, Magnus Bane."

"Give it time. That'll change."

To my horror, Magnus stood up to leave. He gathered up his jacket and slid it onto his shoulders. I jumped up from the couch, watching him in disbelief. The icepack fell to the floor with a _clack_.

"You can't be serious," I said.

"This is goodbye, Alexander."

I hated the couch and distance that stood between us. "Do you not want to be with me anymore?"

His eyes widened in outrage. "Of course I want to be with you!"

"Then stay."

Magnus seemed to consider it for a moment, but then he squared his shoulders and looked me square-on with glimmering eyes. "Goodbye, Alex."

My heart pounded in a racing panic as I watched him move for the door. I needed him. He was the only person to ever make me feel whole. Without him I was broken. He was slipping through my fingers...

Suddenly I knew. I knew exactly what I needed to do to get him to stay. In his eyes, right in this moment, I had been hurt. I was an innocent caught in the crossfire. He believed he had wounded me. What I needed to show him was that I felt no pain, that I desired more. I was not the same person I was when we'd first met.

"Magnus!" I called.

He stopped, his hand wrapped around the doorknob. He waited for me to speak, but I remained silent. I needed him to look at me, to see beyond my words and into me. Finally, he began to turn, the silent question etched on his face.

My words were not a command, nor were they a seductive call. They were a trusting plea. Two words said in the same way one sincerely says "I need you."

I let out the breath I'd been holding and said, "Fuck me."

Magnus stared at me, and for a minute I wondered if he hadn't heard me. But he released the doorknob and crossed the floor to banish the space between us. He gazed down deeply into my eyes. His chest was pressed against mine and I could feel the racing of his heart.

"Please," I whispered. "Fuck me."

He enveloped me in his arms and slammed his mouth against mine. I groaned as he pushed me up against the wall and jammed his hips into mine. He stretched my arms above my head and, with one hand, pinned my wrists to the wall. As his tongue ravaged my mouth, he unzipped my jeans and slipped his hand inside. His hand stroked me roughly from outside my underwear, but I felt myself growing harder faster than usual.

Still pumping his hand, Magnus shifted his mouth down to my neck. He sucked the skin hard and bit down. I gasped and shuddered with desire. His tongue flicked on my neck and the rhythm of his hand accelerated. I began undulating my hips with his movements.

"Magnus," I panted. "I can't hold on."

"Come, Alex," Magnus growled. "Come hard for me."

Pleasure coiled deep in my belly. I whimpered, unabashed, as my release quickly neared. Magnus pushed his hand harder against my erection and the pressure pushed me over the edge. I cried out as my orgasm wracked my body. Hot wetness spurted against my abdomen. My muscles twitched as my climax began to fade.

"I'm not done with you yet," Magnus said huskily as he noticed my sudden fatigue.

He scooped me up and carried me to the bedroom. I dropped onto the mattress and watched as he shucked off his jacket and shirt. He lowered himself on top of me and kissed me again. I knew I should have felt pain when he bit my lower lip, but all I felt was a passionate burst of hunger.

Magnus fisted his hand into my hair and yanked, exposing my throat. He swiped his tongue over my skin and sucked. I slid my hands from his shoulders down to his waist, where I gave a tug and rammed his hips against mine. Magnus groaned. His hand left my hair and skimmed down my face, tracing over the scar stretching from my temple to my jaw. I arched my back to help him slide my shirt off. When he teased my nipple with his tongue, I nearly came again. He bit on the sensitive flesh and sucked. Only when I began grinding against him did he stop.

Magnus stepped off the bed and took off his pants and boxers. He undid the button on my jeans and slid them, as well as my boxers, down to my ankles. With a yank, he pulled them off and threw them to the floor.

With a mischievous grin, Magnus placed both his hands on my knees and pushed them apart. He positioned himself between my legs and lowered his mouth to the inside of my thigh. I moaned as he licked and kissed his was to my groin. I could feel my erection growing stiffer and elongating. A bead of moisture leaked from the tip.

Magnus noticed, too, and let out a hungry growl. "I can't wait any longer."

Positioning himself over me again, Magnus spread my legs and lifted my hips slightly from the bed. I felt his penis at my entrance. He caught my eyes and paused, as if to say something, but instead he pushed all the way into me.

I cried out, my body tightening around him. Magnus's eyes were clenched shut, but I could see his desire. Without a word, he pulled out and thrust back into me. I clutched at his shoulder and moaned. Magnus withdrew and slid inside again. Slowly. He was purposely holding himself back.

"Magnus," I breathed. "Fuck me."

"Are you sure?" he panted.

I nodded. He ducked his mouth to mine and kissed me long and deep. He pulled out as he pulled his lips away. Suddenly he slammed into me with enough force to shake the bed. I cried out, overwhelmed with the surge of desire. He picked up his speed, but it still wasn't enough.

"Magnus. Harder. Fuck me harder."

He pulled out and thrust back into me, rocking his entire body forward. I gasped as his tip hit my prostate. My nails dug into his shoulder, but Magnus made no complaint. He undulated again and again, plunging into me harder and faster every time.

"Alex," Magnus moaned. "I'm going to come."

I could feel him twitching inside me and growing steadily larger. My pleasure was building, but not fast enough. At this rate, he was going to finish before me. I reached down and grabbed my own arousal. I pumped myself, gasping as the tidal wave of pleasure built.

Magnus slammed into me one last time and stilled. He cried my name as he spilled deep inside me. I squeezed my hand around my shaft and arched off the bed as my second orgasm exploded. More warm fluid coated my abdomen, as well as Magnus's. He pulled out and collapsed onto his back beside me, trying to catch his breath.

"Wow," he said. "We need to do that again sometime."

I looked over at him. "Ain't no time like the present."

Magnus smirked wickedly. He straddled me and kissed a path from my clavicle down to the top of my thigh. He used his mouth, kissing and sucking, until I was ready for round three.


	7. Unleashed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, everyone! Sorry for the delay! I know I usually upload a chapter on the weekend, but I got super busy and didn't have time. So I came home from work determined to write a chapter. Here it is! Got some more smut for you. Enjoy! :)

Magnus walked in silence at my side, angling his body this way and that to avoid any unwanted contact with the students crowding the hallway. Despite the lack of personal space, he wore a warm and easygoing smile. Occasionally he would bump his shoulder down against mine. I clutched the strap of my backpack nervously. Having Magnus at my side had drawn the attention of both male and female students nearby. Never had so many pairs of eyes fallen on me before. Their gazes were curious, as if wondering what the hell a loner like me was doing with a hotshot like Magnus. I ducked my head and let my hair fall into my eyes, shielding me.

Two girls, both with too much bounce in their step, flashed gleaming smiles at Magnus as they passed. One even offered a flirty "hello." Magnus inclined his head, acknowledging them, but did not say anything in return.

"She's cute," I said when the girls were safely out of earshot.

Magnus looked down at me, then over his shoulder, then down at me again. "You think so?"

I shrugged. "She probably would have given you her number in a heartbeat."

"The number I want is already programmed into my phone."

I blushed. "Not that I blame her. You're like sex on a stick."

Magnus laughed and lowered his voice. "If she wants in my bed she better grow a pair."

"I suppose surgery is always an option. Or I'm sure they have...toys...for that kind of thing."

Magnus put his hand on my arm, stopping me. "Try as she might, she'll never compare to the real deal."

I flushed again. My lips ached, desiring nothing more than to kiss him. My fingers itched, wanting to touch every inch of his skin. If anything, I wanted to take Magnus's hand as he walked me to class. But he'd kept his hands shoved in the pockets of his leather jacket since we walked through the main entrance.

Magnus let out a soft groan and caught his bottom lip between his teeth. "Are you sure you have to go to class today?"

The need in his voice sent chills down my spine and heat to my groin. The musky scent of him washed over me. One word and we'd rush back to my apartment, where he'd envelop me in his arms and fuck me until I was begging for mercy. Just one word...

"Yeah," I sighed, regret heavy in my voice. "I can't miss this class."

Disappointment sparked only briefly in Magnus's yellow-green eyes. He flashed an innocent smile, but his next words were anything but: "I suppose while you're in class I can think of all the things I'm going to do to you when I get you home."

My stomach fluttered and my heart gave a jolt. Speechless, I turned and continued for my classroom. Magnus caught up to me, grinning to himself, obviously pleased with the effect his words had on me.

All too soon we arrived at the door. I hesitated before going inside and looked up at Magnus. He was staring at the room number above the door, silently mouthing the sequence, committing it to memory. I offered a sheepish smile when he finally looked at me again.

"I'll pick you up after class, okay?"

Jace had said those same seven words time after time, but this was different. When Magnus said them, I actually believed him.

"Okay."

He winked at me. "See you later, handsome."

If it was possible I would have melted into a puddle on the floor. No one had ever called me handsome before. Magnus's lips had somehow curved the word into both a compliment and an endearment. The result was a tightly-coiled giddiness bouncing in my belly.

Class went on and on like an artificial waterfall. Morgenstern droned about topics he declared important. I took notes; answered his questions, both rhetorical and literal, in my mind; I tried desperately to avoid frequently checking the time. To prevent myself from scrawling Magnus's name on my paper, I waggled my pencil between my fingers. The girl sitting beside me shot me an irritated look but said nothing.

When Morgenstern finally dismissed us, I hastily shoved my textbooks and notes into my bag and made a break for the door. But before I could escape, a stern voice called my name. I cringed inwardly and walked the familiar path up to the podium where Morgenstern stood. He tapped his chin thoughtfully and straightened, puffing out his chest and clearing his throat.

"Lightwood, you're in worse condition than when I last saw you."

Now that I was aware that he was looking at it, my swollen lip felt like it had doubled in size. I automatically flexed the fingers in my hand. There was still a bit of pain, but Morgenstern couldn't see the bruising under the bandaging.

"I'm fine, sir," I said. "You don't need to worry about me."

"I _am_ worried about you."

I frowned. "Why?"

"Seeing as you tried to leave my class so hastily, I can only assume that you did not complete your assignment."

"My assignment."

"The one I gave you an extension on."

My knees wobbled beneath me. Cursing under my breath, I rubbed my hand over my face. "It slipped my memory."

"Again."

"Again," I conceded. I frantically tried to generate an excuse, but, rarely having done so in my life, I lacked the creativity needed to weave a deceiving and convincing web.

"I gave you another chance, Lightwood, and you let it slip right through your fingers. You realize I have no choice but to fail you on the assignment?"

"I—I—" My voice was small, frail. "I understand."

"I expected more from you, Alec."

Without meeting his eyes, I said, "Me, too."

With that, I traipsed out of the classroom. My bag, feather-light on my shoulder before class, was now a dead weight against my side. I was in such a daze that I walked past Magnus without seeing him.

"Alex!" He touched my shoulder from behind.

I jumped, startled, but calmed when I recognized him. "Hey."

Magnus searched my face. "Are you all right?"

"Yeah," I said truthfully.

There was a time, before I'd met Magnus, when failing an assignment would have crushed me. The world would have collapsed around me, my lungs would have ceased to respire. Disappointment and shame would have attacked me from all angles. But now... I didn't feel anything. It was a pleasant numbness, like laying in bed staring up at the ceiling, not thinking about anything. I knew I should be terrified about letting my grades slip. But my only concern now was Magnus, and he was right where he should be, at my side.

"Ready to go home?"

"I've been ready since class started."

Magnus's lips curved into a crooked smile, then he took me by surprise and reached down and interlaced his fingers with mine. I gaped down at our clasped hands; they fit perfectly together, the same way the stars fit just right into the night sky, the same way different strings can be strummed at once to create a chord.

We walked through the university, hands linked. This time students gaped at us, wide-eyed and slack-jawed. But this time I did not try to hide from their stares. This time I held my chin up, gripped Magnus's hand tighter, and brushed up against his side. I did not pray for them to see through me as I always had. No. I dared them to look straight at me, at us. I demanded them to see me finally completed, whole, the best part of me standing at my side.

* * *

 

It was not yet late, but the sky had completely darkened. Glittering building lights illuminated the streets. Headlights sliced through the night in the congested traffic lanes. With the TV on mute I could hear the distant honking of horns. With the bustling street life below me, I felt oddly isolated up in my apartment. I was alone, with no one to keep me company besides the fictitious characters on the TV.

Magnus had gotten an unexpected message from Raphael the minute we'd gotten back to my apartment. He was just as disappointed as I was, but he insisted that the matter was urgent and required his immediate presence. He'd left me behind with a kiss and the promise of his swift return. The warmth on my lips, the last remnant of his kiss, had faded all too quickly.

Someone knocked on the door, snapping me out of my reverie. I switched the TV off and flew off the sofa, bolting for the door. My cheeks burned with the broadness of my grin as I yanked the door open.

Magnus smiled. "Alex."

I pulled him inside and wrapped my arms around him, turning my face into his neck to inhale his scent. Magnus tugged me closer to his body, his warm breath flitting over the curve of my ear. I kicked the door shut with my foot and craned my neck to kiss him. He nipped at my bottom lip as I pulled away.

"God, I missed you," he murmured huskily.

I grabbed the zipper on Magnus's leather jacket and slowly pulled it downward. After unclasping it, I pushed it from his shoulders and down his arms. He let it drop to the floor and placed both hands on my waist. I pressed up against him as he kissed me again, feeling the alluring roll of his hips against mine.

But something felt odd. There was an out of the ordinary warm dampness on the right side of my abdomen. I pulled back and looked down. Splotches of dark red spotted my light shirt. Heart thumping wildly in my chest, I reached out and lifted Magnus's shirt.

"Magnus—"

He tugged his shirt back down and smiled reassuringly. "It's nothing."

I snatched his hand and pulled him into the living room. "It's not nothing. Sit down and let me look at it."

Magnus tried to resist my pushing him down on the sofa. "I don't want to get blood all over your furniture."

"Screw the furniture. Let me see."

Finally Magnus collapsed against the cushion. I pushed his shirt up, exposing his abdomen. A cut snaked just above his navel across to his hip. The injury appeared to be shallow enough to not require stitches, but deep enough that the bleeding had not yet stopped. I ordered Magnus to stay put while I fetched the first aid kit. He obliged and watched me curiously as I pulled out an array of supplies.

With hot towels I gingerly wiped away some of the blood around the wound then I pressed a clean one against it to staunch the bleeding. Magnus flinched under the pressure but did not complain.

"You going to tell me what happened?" I asked.

He looked down at me, his head propped up in one hand. "Just another day in the life of Magnus Bane."

I lifted the towel a fraction to check my progress. The bleeding had slowed but not yet stopped. I replaced the towel and applied more pressure, muttering an apology when Magnus sucked in a breath.

"Who did this to you?"

"A little prick by the name of Jordan Kyle."

"Fang Banger?"

"No, he..." Magnus paused. "He runs with your brother."

I fought to remain emotionless. "Was Jace there?"

"Not that I saw. I was pulling Kyle off Nixy when the fucker lashed out at me."

"Nixy?"

"Aldous Nix."

"Hmm." I busied myself with cleaning away more blood while the bleeding had stopped.

"I didn't hurt him."

"You should have."

"Alexander," Magnus chided.

"He could have killed you."

"He didn't. I choose not to hurt anyone if I do not have to, Alex."

"Other people don't seem to show the same courtesy."

I splashed an alcohol-based solution onto a new towel and dabbed it against the cut. Magnus hissed and recoiled slightly. He chewed on the inside of his cheek as I continued to clean the entire wound. Finally I applied an antibiotic healing cream and covered the slash with gauze. When it was taped in place, I pulled Magnus's shirt over his head and gathered the other soiled materials. I threw them into the washing machine before joining Magnus on the couch. He lifted his arm and I curled against his naked, unhurt side. He brushed my hair back from my forehead.

"I'm changing you," he said softly.

I twisted my neck to look up at him. "What do you mean?"

"There was this vulnerability about you when I first met you. Now there's this hardness in your eyes. You're seeing the darkness of my world, and it's leeching the light from your world. I don't want to change you, Alexander."

I sat up and Magnus's arm fell away. He watched me, his expression thoughtful.

"I'd spend the rest of my life wandering blindly in the dark if that's what it took to be with you," I said.

"I don't want to change you."

"You're not changing me." I slid from the sofa and positioned myself on the floor between Magnus's legs. "You're unleashing me."

A question formed on his lips but I stretched up and kissed him before he could speak. I slipped my tongue into his mouth, tasting him. I cupped his face, channeling the fire from my belly into the heat of the kiss. Magnus groaned and rocked his hips against mine. He pushed his fingers through my hair and gave a light tug.

I pulled back and reached for the button of Magnus's jeans. I popped it open and slid down the zipper. Reaching inside, I felt his length and pulled it out, fully exposing him. I swallowed. He was already semi-stiff. If I played my cards right, he was going to become unbearably hard.

After a deep breath, I lowered my mouth to him and pressed my tongue to the base of his shaft. The muscles in Magnus's thighs went taut under his jeans. Slowly, I drew my tongue over his smooth skin up to the tip. I swiped my tongue in a circle and trailed it back down again. Magnus groaned.

"Alex." His voice was strained. "You don't have to do this."

I pulled my mouth away from his dick. "Shut up. I'm giving it a go."

I was grateful for his thoughtfulness, especially when he knew how uncertain I was. He'd tried giving me oral, but I was too embarrassed to let him ravage me with his mouth. But that didn't mean that I didn't want to taste _him_. I wanted him to feel desirable, too, and this unabashed side of me wanted to explore every inch of him.

When my tongue touched his tip again, I dipped my head down and sealed my mouth over him. His considerable length reached to the back of my throat. It took a moment for me to adjust to the feel of him in my mouth, but while I waited I swiped my tongue left and right over Magnus's penis. When my daring resurfaced, I began to bob up and down, sucking and licking. Magnus stiffened against my tongue and I could feel his length reaching farther back into my throat.

"Fuck, Alex," he moaned.

Encouraged, I took more of him in. As I pulled my mouth back, I let my teeth gently scrape over him. He twitched in my mouth and hardened even more. Magnus began to rock his hips in rhythm with my mouth. His breathing quickened and he reached his hands down to clasp his fingers in my hair. When my lips reached the base, I made a swallowing motion with my throat. Magnus groaned and thrust his hips forward. I pulled my lips back and teased his tip. A drop of wetness coated my tongue. He was close.

"Alex, fuck," he panted. "I'm going to come!"

I picked up my speed again. My eyes never left Magnus's face, measuring his pleasure in the way his mouth fell open and the way he tossed his head back from time to time. I could feel my own arousal growing as Magnus neared his orgasm, but all I truly wanted was to make him feel good.

As I reached his base, I made another swallowing motion. Magnus's fingers clenched in my hair near the point of pain. I was about halfway up his shaft when he thrust forward and I felt him twitch in my mouth.

"Alex!" he cried.

He released deep into my throat. Thick, hot fluid filled my mouth. My automatic reflex was to open my mouth and spit the semen out, but I refrained, holding Magnus in as he climaxed and continue to ejaculate. When I felt him start to go flaccid, I removed him from my mouth and forced myself to swallow. I wiped my lips with the back of my hand and stood on my knees so I could kiss Magnus softly.

He stroked my cheek as he caught his breath. "Your bedside manner is excellent."

I touched his cheek, too, holding his gaze. "You're right. I have changed. But light could not exist without darkness. You've shown me through the shadows, and you know what I've discovered? I like it with the lights out."


	8. Surrender

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Howdy, y'all! :) I have got some SMUT for you!! I don't know if I should be proud or embarrassed....but anyway, I hope you all enjoy it! Thank you for reading! And for the kudos and comments! Much love and happy reading!

"Like this?"

"More like this." I reached over and made a quick demonstration.

Magnus made an attempt at mimicking my instructions. "How's that?"

"That's great. Don't stop. Keep going."

Magnus continued his work before pausing. He shifted his yellow-green eyes over to me and smiled. "You realize how sexual you're making this study session sound?"

"I am not!" I lightly punched his shoulder. "You just have a dirty mind."

Magnus set his pencil down on the open textbook and rubbed his eyes. He reached his arms up and stretched, wincing at the tenderness of his healing wound. He gingerly rubbed the spot where the bandages were before reaching for the pencil again. He stared at one of the equations, chewing his lip as he concentrated. I studied him, entranced by the sereneness in his face. He began scribbling numbers and letters on the blank piece of paper before him, but he made a noise of irritation and started over. He hesitated halfway through his work, his brow furrowed. My heart lurched to see him struggling, but I dared not interfere with his challenge.

He surprised me by dropping the pencil and sitting back on his heels. "I can't do it."

I leaned over to glance at his work. "You're on the right track, Mags. Keep going!"

"What's the point? Being good at chemistry isn't going to get me into university."

"I'll help you with everything else. You'll get your GED, and universities will be lining up to accept you. Whenever you feel like you're struggling, I'll be your personal tutor."

The corner of his mouth pulled into a tentative smile. "You really think so?"

I scooted closer to kiss him on the mouth. "I know so. And I'm smart, so you have to believe me."

Magnus brushed his thumb over my jawbone. "Why are you so good to me?"

"Don't go overestimating my generosity yet," I said, waggling my eyebrows. "That tutoring is going to come at a cost."

"Oh?" Magnus bit his lip before capturing my mouth with his. "Do you accept mind-blowing sex as a form of payment?"

"I won't say no to mind-blowing sex," I said breathlessly as he nipped at the hollow under my ear. "But there was something else I had in mind..."

* * *

Magnus had been right: we had the gym completely to ourselves. The small building was located just across the street from a school, and after four-o-clock, when all the kids had gone home, this part of the city tended to be deserted.

I followed Magnus down a short hallway. Raphael and a few others from Magnus's "crew" had accompanied us to the gym. Thankfully, the four others remained in a room filled with equipment and machines. Magnus led me into a room and flicked on the lights. The floor was completely matted, and in the far corner there were three battered punching bags. Only one of them still hung from the ceiling. A faded white circle was painted in the centre of the floor.

Magnus stepped in front of me and unzipped my jacket. He held my gaze as he pushed the material from my shoulders. "You know I don't like the idea of you being in another fight."

"I know you don't." I took my jacket from his hands and tossed it aside. "But don't you think it's better for me to be prepared?"

He frowned. "Just don't go looking for trouble."

"There's trouble out there worse than you?"

He ruffled my hair. "Smart ass."

I followed Magnus inside the faded circle and stood facing him. It was difficult to not be distracted by the tight navy blue t-shirt he wore; the low rise of his sweatpants begged to divert my attention. I plastered my gaze to his face, ignoring the itch of my fingers to delve into his hair.

"You know I'm not a professional, right?"

"I just need a fighting chance," I assured him.

Magnus nodded. "All right. Let's start with some basics. Let's say someone swings at you like this." He swung his arm in a demonstration, his movement turtle-slow. "If you can, duck down and rise in a fluid motion. As you straighten, grab his wrist with your left hand and push it away, and aim for his jaw with your right fist."

He took another swing at me, this time slightly faster. I did as he instructed, but I stopped my fist an inch from his face. He nodded his approval and shook free of my grasp. We practised the movements over and over, gradually increasing speed. My confidence in the defensive maneuver grew, but I couldn't help but wonder if I'd be quick enough to anticipate an attack in order to use it.

When he was finally satisfied, Magnus said, "Now let's say someone tries to punch you like this." He reached his fist out to my nose. "One way to avoid it would be to lean to the side and make a grab for his arm again. Another way would be to drop down and, using your hands for balance, kick your leg up at the guy's stomach."

We practised again and again like before until both of us had a thin sheen of sweat on our faces. Magnus switched back and forth between the two maneuvers, sometimes giving me a heads up of what to expect, other times completely catching me off guard. After a while, he reached out and grasped my shoulders to turn me around. Slowly he reached his arm around to loosely wrap it around my neck.

"Usually an attack from behind will be like this. Here, you have three choices: push off the ground and try to knock him backward, drop all your weight and hope that he loses his grip, or bend forward and try to flip him over your back."

I thought about trying to use my small stature to flip someone over me and grimaced. "What do you recommend for me?"

"Use your legs and push backward."

Magnus released me and I turned to face him.

"How do I disarm someone?"

"Alec," Magnus shook his head, "I don't even want to think about someone pointing a weapon at you."

"It's happened before."

"How about we just focus on this for now?"

I nodded and repositioned myself in the circle. Magnus stood a few feet away, watching me, his eyes betraying nothing. I kept vigilant, seeking one movement that would reveal his intended attack.

He charged at me so suddenly I barely had time to brace myself for the point of contact. He hit me around my waist and the two of us fell to the floor. The mats protected me from any real damage, but the blow had been forceful enough to steal some of my breath.

Without missing a beat, Magnus straddled my hips and snatched both my wrists. I struggled against him, but he managed to pin them down on either side of my head. He looked down at me, grinning triumphantly.

"What now, Alexander?" he taunted.

I bucked my hips upward, reaching my legs as far as they would go. Magnus's victorious smile vanished when my ankles hooked around his neck and pulled him flat on his back. The second my wrists were freed, I swung my body to claim my position over Magnus. I straddled his hips and pinned his wrists to the floor. He thrashed against me for a moment before sagging with defeat, breathing hard.

"Say you surrender."

"What are you going to do to me if I don't say it?" Magnus asked lustily.

I smiled and bent down to kiss him, long and hard.

* * *

The six of us left the gym before it got too dark. According to Magnus, the location was in neutral territory, but he did not want the night to give cover to anyone wanting to surprise us. We left the block and crossed the schoolyard without any problems. As we started our way up a street with boarded-up buildings, I slipped to the back of the group. Magnus was in deep conversation with Raphael, and I wanted to be respectful and give them some privacy. The other three, who'd been briefly introduced as Malcolm Fade, Ragnor Fell, and Isaac Laquedem, did not give me a second glance as I fell back to bring up the rear.

I'd just been contemplating the uniqueness of their names when I tripped slightly. Looking down, I noticed my shoelace had become untied. The group continued forward, not yet noticing I'd stopped. Without a word, I bent down and began retying my laces.

Suddenly I heard running footsteps, followed by a grunt and a thud. My head snapped up to see two forms rolling on the ground. Four figures charged out from between two buildings and swarmed Magnus and his group. None of them had noticed me, as I had not yet passed by the alley. Fear swimming in my veins, I bolted out of the street and hid behind three trash cans.

Yells and the sound of landed punches pierced the quiet air. Slowly, I peered out from behind my cover. I could not distinguish Magnus amidst the scuffle. Malcolm Fade, only recognizable by the streak of purple in his hair, had been separated from the group, and was being savagely beaten by one of the attackers.

Against my inner flight instinct, I crept out from behind the trash cans. I drew my hood up as I charged for Malcolm's opponent. If these were Jace's followers, I could only hope that they would not recognize me.

I threw myself head first into the attacker, knocking him away from Malcolm. Unexpected pain erupted in my shoulder. The assailant snarled at me and tried to knock me off at the same time he reached into his pocket. A soft _snap_ revealed a switchblade. I grabbed the guy's wrist and slammed it against the street again and again until it slipped from his grasp. He aimed a punch at my head with his left hand, but it was sloppy and I easily dodged it. Before I even knew what I was doing, I grabbed the attacker's head between my hands and slammed his skull against the pavement. His gaze became unfocused and his struggle against me weakened. I smashed his skull again. The guy's eyes rolled into the back of his head and he went limp.

Shaking, I slowly rose to my feet...

There was a sharp clap of thunder. I jumped then froze. Something fell against the street behind me. I turned to see a figure laying on the ground, clutching his shoulder. His teeth were gritted in pain and blood oozed from between his fingers. When he lifted his head, I realized the attacker was younger than me. Much younger. He was barely through his teen years, but the hatred in his eyes was that of a man who had seen too much, had grown up too fast. A knife lay forgotten at his side. I hastily turned away, but not before his eyes met mine. With a jolt I realized I'd met him before. Jace had introduced us. But that had been a long time ago, and I hoped the kid did not recognize me.

Isaac was helping Malcolm to his feet, and Raphael and Ragnor were standing over a figure huddled in the fetal position. The other assailants seemed to have fled. Not too far away, Magnus was standing stoically, his hand still clutching the smoking gun. I approached him, and, though his expression was hard and vacant, I could see the dread in his eyes. Without a word, I reached down and grabbed his free hand. I pulled on him until we were running, running far away.

* * *

Magnus hadn't said two words since the attack. His silence was beginning to frighten me. He hadn't made a move for either the beer or the tea I'd set in front of him. The set of his jaw and intensity in his eyes led me to believe he was brooding, but the paleness to his skin made me think otherwise.

When I could no longer stand it, I grabbed his face and forced him to look at me. "Say something, Magnus. I'm begging you."

He took a long while before he answered, which made me want to hit him, but finally he said quietly, "He was just a kid."

My thoughts drifted to the teenager in the street, hand clasped over the bullet hole in his shoulder.

"I was just protecting you," Magnus went on. "He would have hurt you if I hadn't shot him...but he was just a kid."

"He wasn't just a kid. Did you see the hatred in his eyes? The anger? He was a weapon. He could have hurt anyone. You didn't kill him, Magnus. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You did what you had to do."

"He reminded me of you. Dark hair. Light eyes. I thought about you becoming that—"

I pushed my finger against Magnus's lips, silencing him. "I will never be like that."

He grabbed my wrist and pulled my hand away from his mouth. "I don't want anyone to hurt you."

"No one will hurt me, Magnus. I can defend myself, and I've got you to protect me."

Something changed in Magnus's expression. He looked...feral. But aside from feeling fear, I felt my blood being set on fire. He grasped my upper arms, hard enough to bruise, and crushed his mouth against mine. His tongue slipped into my mouth without permission, and I moaned against his lips. When he ripped his mouth away, he growled, "I will always protect you. You are mine."

"I'm yours," I agreed, breathless.

Magnus kissed me again. "God, do you know what I want to do to you right now?"

"Tell me," I said, shuddering with excitement.

"I want to tie you to the bed and tease you until you come. Then I want to fuck you, hard and fast, until you scream my name. Then I'm going to fuck you again until you're begging for mercy."

I swallowed, my pulse hammering in my throat. "Okay."

Magnus rose from the sofa and bent down to scoop me up. I wrapped my legs around his waist as he kissed me. We bumped into walls as we blindly made out way to the bedroom, but all I felt was desire and anticipation. I unwrapped my legs so he could set me down and watched as he grabbed my running shoes and began pulling out the laces. My stomach fluttered. I'd never given much thought to bondage before, but the thought of surrendering completely to Magnus... I looked down and saw my erection straining against my pants.

Magnus noticed, too, and dipped his head to kiss me. Still holding the laces, the grabbed the hem of my shirt and pulled it up and over my head. Then he pushed me down onto the mattress. He hovered over me, kissing and sucking at my neck. He grabbed my left hand and lifted it above my head. He pressed my wrist against a headboard bar and began tying the shoelace around them. The knot was loose enough to leave my circulation intact, but tight enough that I could not break free easily. He made quick work of restraining my other wrist before bending down to kiss me again. I groaned against his lips and arched my hips up against his, desperate for the contact.

Magnus put his hand on my waist and pushed me down against the mattress. He pressed his lips against my chest and kissed a path over to my nipple. I gasped when he nipped and sucked on the sensitive tissue. I squirmed underneath him. He chuckled and continued licking while he moved his hand from my waist up to my other nipple. He moved his finger in a circular motion over the peak. I felt myself growing unbearably hard.

"So responsive," Magnus hummed. "You like that?"

I made a small noise of protest when he started to get off the bed, but I quieted when he curled his fingers around the waistband of my sweatpants. He dragged them down slowly, taking my boxers with them. My erection sprang upward against my belly when he pulled my clothes over my thighs and down to my calves. When he pulled them off completely, he crawled back onto the mattress above me. His mouth sealed over mine and his hand crept down over my abdomen to my throbbing dick. I gasped against his lips. I was already dangerously close to the edge; only a couple of strokes and Magnus would have me climaxing.

"Oh God, Magnus," I panted.

He slipped lower to capture my other nipple in his mouth. I arched off the bed, aching to feel more of his mouth on me, desperate for release. As he swirled his tongue around, Magnus began stroking me. He pumped me from the base to the tip, applying just the right amount of pressure.

I felt the familiar coiling deep in my groin. But just before I could orgasm, Magnus stilled his hand and pulled his mouth away. I whimpered as my body began to wind down. Magnus caught my gaze and smiled devilishly. My stomach flipped when I realized Magnus hadn't been joking when he said he wanted to toy with me.

Again Magnus brought me as close as possible to my release, only to stop before I could fall apart. I groaned in frustration as I hovered on the edge and then felt my pleasure slipping away.

Magnus tugged my nipple between his teeth. My over-sensitive flesh tingled. I cried out and ground my hips against Magnus's hand. He moved his fist rhythmically around my cock.

When I felt myself drawing nearer again, I whimpered, "Please, Magnus."

He removed his mouth from my nipple. "Please what?"

My breath hitched in my throat when my pleasure began to spike. "Please let me come."

Magnus began stroking faster and drew his tongue up the side of my neck. When he nibbled on my earlobe, a wave broke inside me and I clutched helplessly at the headboard bars as my orgasm wracked my body. Wetness spurted against my belly. I cried out shamelessly as the pleasure overwhelmed me.

When my release finally began to subside, Magnus bent down to kiss my lips. "You came all over my clothes," he whispered. "Now I'm going to have to punish you."

His words sent a thrilled rush through me. I felt myself began to stiffen already. Magnus climbed off the bed and stripped out of his clothes. His impressive erection was already long and thick. He hovered over me and dipped his head to swipe his tongue into my navel. Slowly his tongue began to trail down my body to the inside of my thigh. He grazed over my sac and then inched upward.

I tensed, guessing where he was going. "Magnus—"

He quickly repositioned himself to look down into my eyes. The raw heat in his yellow-green depths had been replaced by tenderness. "Trust me, Alex. I'll make you feel good."

I hesitated before nodding. He kissed the tip of my nose and returned to the lower half of my body. I closed my eyes, willing myself to cast aside all feelings except for pleasure. My dick twitched when Magnus drew his tongue up my entire length. He circled the tip before taking me into his mouth. I gasped and threw my head back. I'd never been inside anyone before, and the warmth and tightness Magnus provided with his tongue and cheeks were mind-blowing. He bobbed his head up and down, milking me. When he made a swallowing motion with his throat, I could not hold myself back.

"Magnus, I'm—"

I came before I could finish speaking. A long moan escaped my lips as I spurted into Magnus's mouth. I opened my eyes and looked down at Magnus. He swallowed and licked at the fluid that had leaked from the corner of his mouth. The sight was so erotic that I could already feel my groin stirring again.

Magnus grabbed my ankles and slid my feet closer to my ass. He pushed my knees apart, exposing me completely to him. I felt heat creep into my cheeks. He reached up to stroke my face gently, though his next words were anything but:

"I'm going to fuck you now."

"Okay," I said.

He plunged into me. I cried out with a mixture of pain and satisfaction. Magnus withdrew and slammed back into me. I lifted my hips off the bed to match his rhythm as his dick penetrated to my prostate, pounding my sweet spot over and over.

"Faster, Magnus!" I pleaded.

He obliged, ramming into me.

"Alex, fuck— I'm—I'm gonna..."

He began undulating even faster. My body tightened, slight too early, and I orgasmed. My own semen splattered against my belly as I ejaculated. Magnus panted raggedly as he fought to catch up to me. Finally I felt his warmth burst inside me. He stiffened, clutching my hip and groaning in ecstasy.

I felt my eyelids grow heavy. Three orgasms had left me feeling exhausted, but Magnus was not done with me yet. Without pulling out, he draped himself over me and began licking my nipple again. I cried out as my hyper-sensitive flesh flared back to life. My cock, impossibly, began pushing against Magnus's stomach. He lifted himself on one arm and withdrew from me. I moaned when he pushed back inside, torturously slow. He was taking his time this time around, being gentle, but my body was already too wound up.

"Magnus, fuck me."

He did not need me to tell him twice. Magnus slammed his hips forward, over and over. I gasped with each thrust. Unexpectedly, Magnus grabbed the back of my knee and pushed one of my legs farther back toward my stomach. His dick went even deeper inside me. My body surrendered to the pleasure and I came, hard. Magnus continued thrusting, intensifying and lengthening my orgasm. Not long after, he cried out and stiffened. His cock jerked inside me and I felt him spurting his semen.

"Oh God," I whispered, physically wrung out.

Magnus gently pulled out of me and reached up to untie my hands. Freed, I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled his lips down to mine. He threaded his fingers through my hair and rolled onto his side to avoid crushing me under his weight. I fell asleep in his arms, never in my life having felt more cherished, safe, and protected.


	9. The Greater Gamble

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, lovely readers. :) So guess what? As it turns out, there is only ONE chapter left. That being said, I am considering writing two different endings. I don't think you all are going to like me very much with either one. Nothing is set in stone yet. I hope you enjoy this chapter. Let me know what you think! :)

I'd been awake for some time, curled on my side, listening to Magnus's soft snoring. The early morning traffic was hushed, as if the public were taking extra care not to wake the man in my bed. Quietly I reached over and checked the time on my phone. Class would be starting in half an hour, but I had no desire to move. I wanted to stay in this bed for the rest of the week. If it meant my grades would start to slip and my family would resent me but I would still have Magnus, I would not have any regrets.

The mattress shifted behind me and I felt an arm curl around my waist. I smiled as two soft lips pressed against my shoulder blade. Magnus inched closer, spooning my body with his, and rested his chin on my shoulder.

"Good morning," he whispered.

"Hey." I turned my head so he could lean down and kiss me.

"What time does your class start today?"

I rolled over to face him. "I have not missed a single class since I've been enrolled. I think I can afford to skip out today."

Magnus propped himself up on one elbow and traced the length of my arm with his fingertips. "You're not cancelling your classes to spend time with me, are you?"

"Let's just say I'm clearing my schedule to make time for your appointment with me."

Magnus smiled, but there was something in the curve of his lips, in the crinkle of his eyes, that roused a spark of doubt. I brought myself up onto one elbow and studied him at eye-level. If there was one face I was all too familiar with, it was a masked happiness.

"What's wrong?"

"I've been thinking. . ."

I reached out and grabbed his hand, squeezing his fingers. "Tell me," I prompted.

His eyes met mine. "This isn't a life I want for you, Alexander."

"What do you mean?"

"I know you said that I haven't changed you, that I've unleashed you. But you _have_ changed. When I first met you, you were this quiet, shy guy who blushed whenever I so much as looked at you. This life that I've dragged you into, the fighting, the running, the never knowing what's lurking around the corner, it's fading away the best parts of you. I fell in love with your vulnerability. This life. . . _my_ life has hardened your edges. I love the real you. I want the real you back."

"I'll always be me deep down, Magnus."

"I want the real you deep down _and_ on the surface. I'm just afraid that one day I won't be looking at you anymore, and I'll never get you back."

Not so long ago I'd been terrified of the thought of falling in love with my brother's sworn enemy. I'd suspected Magnus only sought to wound me, be it physically or mentally. But here this "enemy" was, laying in front of me expressing his fear for my losing myself down the dark and dangerous path he was leading me. I never would have guessed that I would be the one trying to assuage his apprehension.

"How can I convince you that you'll never lose me?"

Magnus looked down at our clasped hands. "Move away with me."

I blanched. "Say what?"

He met my gaze again and offered a hopeful smile. "You once mentioned that you'd be willing to uproot your life here to start over somewhere else. With me. Would you still consider it, Alexander?"

Would I consider packing up and leaving everything behind? Would I consider uprooting my life and moving away, much to the aggravation of my family? Would I consider concocting one giant lie to feed Jace and the rest of my family in order to help Magnus?

There was only one answer.

"I don't need to consider it," I said. "My answer is yes."

My lack of hesitation seemed to surprise him. "Are you serious?" he asked, grinning from ear to ear.

"Are you?"

"Yes!"

I laughed and threw my arms around his neck, pulling him close to me in a tight embrace. His breath whispered against my ear as he chuckled and pressed his hand against the small of my back. He rolled, pinning me under him, and pushed his lips against mine. When he pulled back, he trailed his finger lightly over the scar framing my face.

"You want some breakfast?"

I smirked. "How about blueberry pancakes and mimosas?"

Magnus's responsive smile was almost apologetic. "Now might be a good time to mention I'm not so handy in the kitchen."

"You mean the man of my dreams can't even cook me breakfast?"

"I'm a chemist, not a chef."

"There's no difference."

Magnus captured my mouth with his, nipping at my bottom lip when he pulled away.

"How about frozen waffles and virgin mimosas?" I asked.

"The breakfast of champions."

Magnus climbed from the bed and searched for his clothes. I watched for a moment, enjoying the view of his naked backside before sliding off the bed myself. I slipped on an old shirt and a pair of jeans. As I trudged down the hall, Magnus snuck up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. We laughed as we awkwardly waddled down the hallway to the kitchen. He finally released me to search for some plates and glasses, but not before giving my middle a squeeze and my ass a light smack.

Breakfast was heavenly despite the fact that it consisted of toasted waffles and orange juice. Together we sat on the sofa and watched awful daytime television. During one of the commercial breaks, Magnus reached over and wiped a smudge of syrup from the corner of my mouth. He licked his finger clean, his eyes twinkling. I blushed, which only made his smile widen.

After generously cleaning up our dishes, Magnus plopped back down on the sofa beside me. He draped his arm across my shoulders and pulled me close to plant a kiss on my cheek. "Do you mind if I have a quick shower?"

I got up to go fetch my laptop. "Nope. You go right ahead."

"Where are you going?"

After retrieving it, I held the laptop up pointedly. "I'm going to do some online shopping. See what's on the market for rent. Any preferences in where you'd like to go?"

"As long as it's far away, I don't care." He began making his way to the bathroom and called over his shoulder, "You pick."

My searches brought up a wide variety of living quarters. All of my top picks were rentals close to universities. The majority of them were upscale and modern; though, since I did not know what appealed to Magnus, I kept a small selection average, traditional homes at the ready. I knew picking a second-rate rental would make my parents disgruntled and suspicious, but I still felt Magnus should have a choice in the matter. With any luck, my parents would trust the lies I was going to deliver without too many questions.

Loud knocks suddenly echoed from the door. Without much thought, I set the laptop down and went to answer it. My smile faded when I opened the door and found Jace staring at me. He shoved his way inside before I could utter a single word. I kept the door open, my heart racing in a panic. Jace halted in the living room and whirled around to face me. Magnus was still in the bathroom, and if he came out while Jace was still here. . .

"What's going on with you, Alec?" Jace demanded.

"What are you talking about?"

"Jesus." Jace moved forward and held my face between his hands, turning me this way and that. "Where did you get these?"

I shoved his hands away. "Get what?"

He pointed down at my faintly bruised knuckles and then at my face. "The bruises, the scars."

"I've had them for a while. You just haven't noticed until now."

"Bullshit! I noticed. I just thought. . .your girl liked being a little rough."

"Why are you here, Jace?" I questioned, determined to resolve this and get him out of the apartment as quickly as possible.

"I've been hearing some rumors about you, Alec."

My throat went dry but I retained my composure. "What kind of rumors?"

"Rumors that you've been associating yourself with the wrong crowd."

"That's blasphemous."

"Oh really? Why aren't you in class right now?" Jace countered.

"You know how hard I work. I think I've earned a day off."

"I know you, Alec. Just the thought of missing class without a viable excuse would register as absurd in your mind. You've _never_ missed a class; yet, here you are. Home on a school day. Your lip is split and there's a nasty scar down the side of your entire fucking face, not to mention your knuckles are bruised to shit."

"What I do with my own time is none of your business, Jace."

"If it concerns your safety it's my business."

"My safety is not in jeopardy."

"Oh really? So one of my guys didn't see you engaging in a fight that involved a pack of violent thugs?"

_Shit. The kid had recognized me after all_. "Don't be ridiculous."

The apartment suddenly went eerily quiet. Jace, who'd opened his mouth to make a retort, whipped his head around in the direction of the bathroom. My heart froze in my chest. Magnus had nabbed Jace's attention by turning the shower off.

"Is there someone in the bathroom?" Jace asked.

"Yes."

"Who?"

"That's none of your business," I growled. "In fact, you really don't have any right to be here so get the hell out of my apartment."

Jace's gaze was hard, frigid. "You're keeping secrets from me."

"Seriously? _You_ are going to lecture _me_ on keeping secrets?"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Don't think I haven't noticed how many times you've cancelled our plans, Jace. Or the strange guys always following you around. And another thing: how did you catch wind of the little rumor about me socializing with thugs? Which crowd have _you_ been hanging out with?"

"We're not here to discuss me," Jace thwarted.

"Right. I forgot. It's forbidden to discuss your life. Let's just stash this with all your other little secrets."

Jace stared at me, baffled. "Who are you?"

I clenched my hands into fists. "Is that why you're upset, Jace? Does it scare you that I'm finally standing up for myself? Does it piss you off that you can't control me and manipulate me to get away with your shit anymore?"

Jace lunged at me, grabbing fistfuls of the front of my shirt. I raised my fist, ready to punch him and knock him away from me.

" _Hey_!"

Jace instantly released me and stepped back. The two of us turned to see Magnus striding over, his eyes dark, determined, and deadly. His clothes clung to his body, and his hair was damp and disheveled. He positioned himself between Jace and I, glaring down at my brother.

"Don't put your fucking hands on him."

Jace's golden eyes were wide, stunned. He backed away. "Alec, what is Magnus fucking Bane doing in your apartment?"

"That is no concern of yours, Jace fucking Lightwood," Magnus interjected.

As it had happened before, time seemed to slow down. With frightening clarity, I saw Jace reach for something behind him. I reacted automatically, pulling Magnus behind me and shielding him with my own body within seconds. Jace's hand froze behind him, and I imagined his fingertips resting on the butt of his gun.

"You can't hurt him, Jace," I said. "Not without hurting me."

"You—" Jace blinked. "You're _protecting_ him?"

"I have to." I trembled as I took a deep breath. "I love him."

Jace's intake of breath was sharp. His eyes darted back and forth between Magnus and me. He shook his head, refusing to believe my confession. "You like girls."

"In your mind, yes. But in reality, my heart follows those of the masculine gender."

"Alec, you can't be—"

"I am," I insisted defiantly. "You can accept me or refute me as I am, but you will not harm the man I love. Magnus has never hurt me; he's protected me. He did not force me to participate in any gang affairs, which I know you are a part of. In fact, Magnus has tried to shield me from everything. Open your eyes, Jace. He hasn't touched you, hasn't even threatened you. Please, just walk away. We'll leave this behind us."

Jace tensed, torn between his options. I knew in his mind he believed leaving me with Magnus would endanger me. But if he tried to hurt Magnus, he'd hurt his own brother. It was a long while of unsettling silence before Jace finally lowered his hand and began slowly making his way to the door. He caught my eyes briefly before hastily averting his, but not before shooting a venomous glare at Magnus. We watched him wordlessly as he left the apartment, closing the door behind him.

I let out the breath I'd absently been holding and rushed to lock the door. I turned back to Magnus, but I was afraid to meet his gaze.

"I think," Magnus said quietly, "it would be wise if we carried out with our plans as soon as possible."

I nodded. The sooner we left this predicament behind, the better.

* * *

 

Magnus had been speaking in private with Raphael for over an hour. It felt odd to be back in the place where I'd nearly been beaten to death, where I'd first met Magnus. I'd been waiting awkwardly in the common room before one of the members had dragged me over to the pool table. He'd introduced himself as Nixy, whom I'd remembered Magnus clarifying as Aldous Nix not long ago. As it turned out, Nixy was a nice guy. Boisterous, sociable, and a kickass pool player. The other members seemed reluctant to accept me, but Nixy talked to me as thought he'd known me his entire life.

"You ever been to that new art centre they opened uptown?" Nixy asked as he racked the balls for another round.

"I haven't, actually. But I'd like to go."

"My girl keeps nagging me to take her. I figure it'll earn me some points to go, but art shit makes no sense to me. You and Magnus should tag along, keep me awake on the tour."

"Keep you from having an aneurism from all the abstract meanings and inner emotions?" I joked.

Nixy picked up his stick and pointed it at me. "Exactly."

I smiled, not bothering to mention that Magnus and I would not be hanging around for much longer. Magnus had made it clear that he wanted a minimal amount of people knowing about our relocating. And the bare minimum meant Raphael and my parents. Jace would eventually find out. That was unavoidable. But I hoped Magnus and I would be settled before Jace raised any objections. . . if he raised any at all.

A door opened and Magnus and Raphael slipped into the common room. I couldn't tell if Raphael was flustered or if he was in his usual pissed off, I-hate-everything mood. Magnus stuck out his hand to the brunette, which Raphael took and pulled him in for a one-armed hug. I watched as Magnus quickly made his way around the room, giving everyone a well-masked, everyday farewell. No one seemed to suspect that these were legitimate goodbyes, not even Nixy.

Magnus held his hand out to me. "Ready to go?"

I put my stick away and took Magnus's hand. With a polite nod to Nixy, I said, "We'll make plans to score you points, all right?"

Nixy winked. "Ring me up anytime, brother."

We turned to leave after Magnus gave a final wave to Raphael. We made it as far as the exit before Raphael caught up to us. There was something different in the way he carried himself, as if he held himself higher, taller. I supposed as the new leader he would be required to be well-grounded and self-assured.

Raphael held out a gun to Magnus. "I know you said you wanted to leave this life behind, but I don't want you walking around unprotected. We won't be there to protect you, so give me some peace of mind and carry this. Just for a little while."

Magnus took his weapon and slipped it into the back of his jeans. He wrapped his arms around his second in command, whispering a grateful thank you. Raphael hugged him back before stepping away. He turned his eyes on me and I felt myself fidgeting under his gaze.

"This guy is crazy about you," he said, flicking his head in Magnus's direction. "Looks like Nixy is, too. As far as I'm concerned, you're part of the family, Alexander."

"T-thank you," I stammered, caught off guard by his kindness.

Raphael nodded curtly before turning on his heel and leaving us behind. Magnus gave a small shrug and a smile before taking my hand and tugging me out the car waiting in the alley. We got inside and stared out the windows mutely as we drove back to my apartment. I checked the time on my phone. We'd purchased some last-minute plane tickets online. There were only a few hours left for us to pack a few belongings and make our way to the airport. Our plan was to rent a hotel room temporarily while looking for a new space to live. Our destination was nearly on the opposite side of the country. I hoped it was far enough away.

"Take as long as you need," Magnus said as we rode the elevator up to my floor.

I gave him a quick kiss before the elevator doors opened. We made our way to the apartment, hands intertwined. I let go to unlock the door. Magnus stepped inside and flicked on the lights. I followed him as he headed for the bedroom.

"Alec."

I stopped dead in my tracks. Magnus reached for my hand as I turned, squeezing my fingers tightly. I did not know if he was frightened or if he was trying to reassure me.

Jace stepped out from the kitchen. He'd been quiet enough that we'd walked right past him. My insides frosted over when I caught site of the gun in Jace's hand. Magnus and I stepped forward at the same time, each of us trying to shield the other with our body. Instead we remained side-by-side, one step closer to the threat in my living room.

I wondered if Jace was stupid enough to fire a gun inside an apartment building. I also wondered if Magnus would reach for his own gun.

"Alec," Jace said, too calmly, "I don't care if you prefer men over women. You can love any man you want, just not Magnus Bane."

"You can't dictate who I fall in love with, Jace," I said. "The same way I can't choose who I fall in love with. You just have to accept this."

"I can't accept this." Jace raised his gun.

"Don't!" I stepped forward again, still holding Magnus's hand. "I know you just want to protect me, Jace. But doing this will have the opposite effect. I need you to stop being my protector for a minute and just be my brother."

Jace slowly lowered the gun. His eyes glimmered as I stared at him, pleading silently. The pain I was putting him through was ripping me apart, but that agony would be multiplied tenfold if something happened to Magnus. For both of us.

Jace drew his shoulders back and declared, "This is not the life I want for you." He tore his eyes from mine, lifted the gun, and fired.

The shot rang out, clear and deafening. Magnus let out a grunt and his hand was ripped from mine as he collapsed backward. I whirled around, trembling from head to foot, my mouth agape. I watched, frozen, as Magnus's jacket began to darken in color and his face began to pale.

"Oh God," I whispered. "Oh God, oh God, oh God."

I dropped to my knees and fumbled with the zipper on Magnus's jacket. It finally slid down and I pushed the material aside to inspect Magnus's chest. His shirt was rapidly soaking with dark blood, and the source was a single bullet hole right over his heart.

My head swam and my stomach lurched. I wanted to faint and vomit and run away and scream and help Magnus all at the same time. I sat back on my heels, hyperventilating and shaking like I'd be electrocuted.

Magnus turned his head toward me. His beautiful yellow-green eyes were watery and terrified. He opened his mouth to speak but ended up coughing up globs of blood that ran from the corners of his mouth and down his cheeks. His body quaked as he choked on blood and groaned.

I snapped out of my shock and rose onto my knees. With both hands, I pushed down firmly on the bullet hole, willing the blood to stop. The dark liquid gushed between my fingers, warming and staining my skin.

I looked down at Magnus's face but he was staring up at the ceiling. "Magnus, look at me. Look at me, baby."

Tears leaked from his eyes as they met mine.

"You're going to be okay. I've got you. It's not that bad." My voice was calm, but I was speaking too fast.

Magnus tried to speak again but choked on more blood and only managed to whimper. Weakly, he raised his right hand from the floor. Fighting back my own tears, I took his hand in my right and squeezed. I used my body weight to push down with my left. Blood continued to leak around my hand.

I had not heard Jace approach behind me, but his voice did not startle me when he spoke: "There's nothing you can do, Alec. Let him go."

"Get out," I hissed malevolently.

"I did what's best—"

"GET OUT!"

Too focused on Magnus to look over my shoulder, I concentrated on the sound of Jace's retreating footsteps. The door opened and closed softly. I blinked back tears and held Magnus's hand tighter. His eyes were rimmed with red. He was crying as much as he was bleeding out. The fear I saw in his face was ripping my heart to shreds. He was dying and it was scaring the hell out of him. Worst of all, I couldn't ease his fear.

"Shh, it's okay, Mags. I'm right here. Just try to breathe, baby. Just try—"

Magnus's grip on my hand suddenly loosened and his eyes rolled into the back of his head. His body began seizing before lying completely still. . . too still. Amidst my shock and terror, it hadn't occurred to me to call for help. But the second the thought popped into my head, I reached into my pocket with my trembling right hand and withdrew my cell phone. The blood made my fingers slip against the keys, but I managed to call 911. I hastily gave the dispatcher my address and begged for help to hurry. Without hanging up, I set the phone on the floor and continued putting pressure on the wound.

_Don't die, Magnus. Please don't die. I need you._

The images began replaying in my mind: Magnus hitting the floor, blood splattering against his face, Jace raising his gun. . .

_Raising his gun?_

My hand moved on its own accord, sliding under Magnus's body to the small of his back. My fingers touched the hardness of metal. I wrapped my fingers around the gun and pulled it out. The weapon felt strangely light in my hand. Not wanting to get Magnus in trouble, I slipped the gun into the back of my jeans and pulled my shirt and jacket down over it.

Paramedics arrived moments later. They pushed me aside and set to work on Magnus. I watched, huddled on the floor as tears streamed down my cheeks.

Only bits and pieces of their conversation registered in my head:

"Male, early twenties. . ."

". . .unconscious and not breathing. . ."

". . .gunshot wound. . ."

"Roll him over. . . No exit wound."

"Starting compressions."

They slid Magnus onto a backboard and lifted him to take him from the apartment. One of the paramedics, a female, called out to me. Her words sounded like she was yelling at me from far away. She asked me if I wanted to ride in the ambulance to the hospital, but I did not respond. I'd forgotten how to speak. My tongue was leaden in my mouth. She murmured something about shock and continued evacuating Magnus with her partner.

I sat there on the floor, staring at the puddle of Magnus's blood. It made sense to think that welcoming Magnus into my life knowing he was involved in a dangerous life of hate and brutality was the riskiest decision I would ever make. But I saw now that that was not the truth. The truth was the deadliest mistake that had been made was Magnus meeting me. In the end, I had been the greater threat, the greater gamble, and Magnus had been the fatality.


	10. There is No Goodbye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, folks! So this was a really tough chapter to write. There was a bunch more I wanted to include but I was really crunched for time, and it's damn near impossible for me to leave a chapter to finish the next day. Plus making y'all wait another week would have been really cruel. So this ending moves really quickly. Please remember I am writing an alternate ending! Anyway, don't hate me too much! Thanks for reading! I hope there are some tears as well as a sense of satisfaction!

I was unsure of how much time had passed since Magnus had been taken by the paramedics. For a long while I had simply sat on the floor, staring at the dark puddle of blood as my body went through alternating fits of shivering and stillness. Then I'd felt the burning at the back of my eyes. At first only a few tears had leaked out, then the dam completely burst and all I could do was hold my head in my hands as I sobbed violently. When there were no tears left to cry, I picked myself up off the floor and headed into the bedroom. The shock of what had just happened still lingered in my system and it jumbled my thoughts, creating a haze inside my head. Frustrated, I ran my hand down the side of my face and back up into my hair.

_I need. . . to go somewhere. Where did Magnus go? I need. . . the hospital! I need to go to the hospital._

I paused after taking a step. My gaze drifted downward to my clothes. My jeans from the knees down were soaked in blood and my shirt and jacket were decorated with dark red splatter. With jittery hands I stripped out of my clothes and slid on some fresh ones. The gun I'd hid in the back of my jeans glinted in the light as I held it in my palm, debating what to do with it. My brain told me to hide it, to leave it behind in the apartment. But my hand slid it back to its original hiding spot at the small of my back. Without another thought, I raced out of the apartment and down the stairwell to the lobby.

It took several agonizing minutes before I could hail a cab. When one finally pulled over, I all but threw myself into the backseat. The driver stared at me, wide-eyed, in his rear view mirror as I instructed him to take me to the hospital. When he asked me which one, I could barely restrain myself from crying. I did not know which hospital they had taken Magnus to.

Suddenly, with shocking clarity, I recollected the patch on one of the paramedics' uniforms. I repeated the name to the driver and curled into the back seat, not bothering with my seatbelt and instead drawing my knees up to my chest. I tapped my fingers against my thigh anxiously as I stared out the window, inwardly cursing the slow-moving traffic.

As the driver pulled into the drop off area, I reached for my wallet. The driver, still wide-eyed, shook his head and waved his hand, urging me to get out of his cab. I thanked him and threw open the door, racing for the entrance. People hastily jumped out of the way as I stormed through the hospital to the emergency department. When I reached the front desk, the nurse sitting behind it slowly rose from her chair as she looked at me.

"I'm looking for Magnus Bane," I panted.

"Sir, your face—"

"I need to know where they took Magnus," I said, irritated.

Just like the cab driver's, the nurse's eyes were large and round. I noticed that the people around me had given me a wide berth, but I remained oblivious to the fear emanating from their cores. The nurse snuck a quick glance to her left, and when I followed her gaze I saw a security guard slowly making his way over.

I shook my head and pleaded, hysterical, "I'm not crazy. I just need to know where they took Magnus! Please!"

Just before the security guard could reach me, another nurse came up behind the one at the desk and placed a hand on her arm. "It's all right. The medics said this one might be coming in."

The new nurse, a petite redhead with green eyes, slipped out from behind the desk and gently steered me off to the side, away from the eyes and ears of other people. The security guard kept his distance, though his eyes stayed keenly on me. I bounced on the balls of my feet.

"Are you the one from the apartment shooting?" the nurse asked.

"Magnus got shot," I said, feeling the backs of my eyes burn again.

The nurse, Clary according to her nametag, nodded and stared up at me calmly. "What's your name?"

"I'm. . ." My mind went blank and I felt a burst of panic. "I-I don't know."

"It's all right," Clary said. "Can you just take a deep breath for me please?"

I inhaled shakily and let out a long breath when she instructed me to do so. Clary nodded approvingly and repeated the same question.

"Alex," I replied. "I'm Alex."

"Okay, Alex. I know the nurses are trying to contact Magnus's family but there's no one left to get a hold of. Are you his next of kin?"

"I'm. . . I'm his boyfriend."

Clary smiled empathetically. "I'll take you upstairs, Alex. But let's stop by the bathroom first."

"I don't need the bathroom."

"Just take a few minutes to collect yourself, all right?"

I nodded and let her lead me around the corner to the bathroom. She waited outside respectfully as I walked in. One glimpse of myself in the mirror and I realized why I'd created such a scene: blood was smeared from my chin to my forehead on the right side of my face. Half of my hair stood up on end, crusted with blood. Even my hands were still stained dark red. I'd been in such a frenzy to leave to apartment that I hadn't given any thought to washing myself up.

I turned on the tap and slathered my hands with soap before furiously trying to scrub them clean. The water became increasingly hot and my skin was raw from the scrubbing, but I was too numb to feel any of it. When my hands were decently clean, I scooped up some water and splashed it onto my face. The murderer gradually faded from the mirror's reflection, but the guilt remained coiled deep inside me.

Clary led me from the bathroom up to the third floor. She did not speak along the way, which I was thankful for. I could see a small waiting area up ahead, but Clary put her hand on my arm and stopped me.

"They've taken Magnus in for emergency surgery. I don't know how long they'll be, but you're welcome to wait as long as you'd like."

"Is he going to be all right?"

Clary smiled encouragingly. "I'll let the surgeon know you're here. She'll keep you posted."

I seated myself in the waiting area as Clary made for the OR. There were a couple others sitting in chairs around me, reading magazines or fiddling with their phones. None of them seemed particularly worried. I, on the other hand, sat on the edge of my chair, my knee bouncing up and down. Magnus's life hung in the balance mere feet away from me, and if he fell over the edge, so would I.

Hours ticked by and one by one the other occupants began to disperse. Every time a doctor stepped into the waiting room, I was ready to leap out of my chair and beg for more information on Magnus. But he or she always called a different name, and a smiling face was led off in another direction. I was alone, my fingers interlaced and pressed against my lips as though I was praying, when I heard a soft voice.

"Excuse me?"

I jumped, startled by the surgeon suddenly at my side. My eyes had been closed and I hadn't heard her approach. I hesitated before rising to my feet, terrified of what she was about to say. Her face was stoic, impossible to read.

"Are you Alex?"

"I am."

The surgeon nodded. "The bullet that hit Magnus shattered upon impact. The fragments travelled to several different places in his body. One of them punctured his lung and collapsed it."

"Okay," I said, my knees wobbling.

"Another fragment grazed his heart. We were able to stop the bleeding—"

"Is he. . ." I felt my eyes brimming with tears. "Is he okay?"

The surgeon sighed. "I'm sorry. We did everything we could."

It felt as though she'd punched me in the chest. The breath rushed out of me in a gust. I lost my balance and had to use the wall to steady myself. My knees threatened to give out beneath me. I wanted to collapse onto the floor and cry, but I forbade myself from drowning in grief.

"Can I see him?" I whispered.

She paused. "In most cases you'd have to wait. . .but I can give you a few minutes. I'll be right back."

The surgeon left me briefly before returning. She escorted me into the next wing and to the OR door. She gave her condolences for my loss and left to give me privacy. I paused with my hand on the door, steeling myself for what was to come next, before pushing it open.

Magnus lay on the operating table, everything except his neck and head covered by a sheet. I choked back a sob as I approached. They'd cleaned him up a bit, removing evidence of blood and any medical tubes, as well as turning off all the equipment. But despite their best efforts, it still did not look like Magnus on the table. His skin was too pale. His lips did not have the curved hint of a smile he wore while he slept. Even his posture was wrong: he was positioned exactly like a dead body, not like the man who always lay with an arm tossed behind his head or draped across his stomach. I knew the doctors had positioned him like that with the greatest respect, but it felt as though they'd slapped me across the face, beating into me the reality that Magnus was gone.

I stopped a few steps short of the table and stared down at the floor, unsure of what to say. Or even if I should say anything at all. This was where I was supposed to say goodbye. Part of me wanted to turn and run, but that would be the greatest disrespect to Magnus and would later become my greatest remorse.

"It wasn't supposed to be this way," I whispered. "When I met you, I knew my life was going to change. Was I scared? I was terrified. I thought my shithole of a life was going to get worse. But it didn't. I thought about you more than I should have. You made my heart race, Magnus, but in a good way. I never felt excited about waking up and being able to see someone until I met you. I never felt excited or brave enough to live my own life until I met you. You made the fear go away, Magnus. You wrapped me in your arms and enveloped me in your bravery, in your kindness.

"I know you told me you were scared that you were changing me. I countered that you were unleashing me, bringing to light a new side of me. I think we were both wrong, Magnus. I think you were the first person to let me be myself. Everyone in my life has been shaping me into a version of myself I was _supposed_ to be. But you. . . you just let me be. You didn't make me be perfect around you, but you always made me feel flawless. I never felt so loved and I can't thank you enough for that, Magnus."

My voice broke and I felt tears streaming down my cheeks. Shakily, I closed the distance between Magnus and I. My hand trembled as I tentatively reached up to stroke his hair and cup his cool cheek.

"We were supposed to move away together. You were going to go to university, and I was going to be in the audience the day you got your degree. I wanted you to kiss me senseless an infinite amount of times. . ." I let out a choked laugh. "You were finally going to eat that damn chocolate bar I gave you."

I watched Magnus's face, desperately holding on to the hope that he would open his eyes or the corner of his mouth would curve into a crooked smile. But he was still. He was gone, far away from me.

"I'm sorry, Magnus. I'm so goddamn sorry. I never wanted this to happen. Forgive me for what I'm about to say next: If I said I wished I'd never stumbled into your path so you'd be alive right now, I'd be lying. It's so goddamn selfish of me, but I will never wish I hadn't met you, Magnus. You were the best part of my life. I wish you were here with me now, but I am so thankful for the memories you have given me. I will never forget you or what you did for me. You gave me my life back. You unchained me."

Without shame, I bent down and pressed my lips against Magnus's. They lacked their usual warmth and there was no pressure pushing back against my own, but I held myself there for a moment. When I pulled back, I wiped my thumb over his cheekbone, erasing one of my tears that had fallen onto his skin.

"I love you, Magnus. I love you."

I reluctantly turned away and wiped my eyes with my sleeve, then I left the OR without saying goodbye.

* * *

My apartment had been turned into a crime scene for the remainder of the night. A cluster of investigators had greeted me when I'd arrived. An officer had taken me aside, requesting an interview. I'd told him I'd come down to the station the next afternoon, claiming that it was not a good time. He'd taken one look at my exhausted, teary-eyed face and agreed. He'd given me his card with a meeting time scrawled on the back. I'd waited in the hallway for another hour while they finished up and left.

I now sat on the sofa, arms circled around my knees as I stared out the window at nothing in particular. It was too quiet in the apartment and too loud in my head to sleep. The puddle of blood was finally gone, but a large stain remained on the flooring. A blanket now not-so-subtly covered it.

My phone vibrated on the coffee table in front of me. I glared at it, debating letting it go to voicemail. I knew it was Jace without checking the caller ID. He'd been texting me nonstop since. . . the incident. I'd done everything from begging to using vulgar language to get him to leave me alone, but, evidently, I had not succeeded.

Angrily, I reached down and accepted the call. "I thought I told you to fuck off."

"Alec, would you just give me a minute—"

"I don't owe you anything, and you sure as shit don't deserve a minute of my time."

"I'm your brother."

I clenched my knee in my hand, barely containing my rage. "You are _not_ my brother. You never were and you never will be."

"You deserve an explanation," Jace said, hurt.

I took no pity on him. "Don't call me again. The next time I see you, I will kill you." I hung up and threw my phone at the wall so hard the device shattered into pieces that rained down on the floor.

Jace was stubborn, and I knew he would not take my threat seriously. He was trying to convince me that I deserved an explanation. The reality of it? He wanted to give me some bullshit excuse to ease his own guilt and make _himself_ feel better. He believed that with the right formula of words, he could convince me that his actions were for my best interest. And he thought that I was stupid enough to trust him. Why? Because I'd let him think I was stupid enough to trust him for years.

Sure as hell, there was a light knock half an hour later. I'd left the door unlocked after the police had left, unafraid that anyone else could hurt me any more than I already was. Heavy feet treaded across the floor and I heard someone sink onto the couch adjacent to me.

"Alec—" Jace began.

"I thought I warned you to stay away from me."

"Adopted or not, I'm still your brother. I've loved you for years, Alec. I'm not going to let you go that easily."

"You've known Magnus for years, yet you killed him without so much as a blink."

"I didn't love Magnus," Jace growled, then added more softly, "He was dangerous."

"To you," I scoffed.

He shook his head. "Obviously I can't justify my actions to you—"

"Then why the fuck are you here?"

"I'm here for you."

"What are you going to do? Drag me home to mom and dad?"

"No. I'm _here_ for you."

My heart blazed as I realized what he was saying. Jace straightened as I leapt from the couch and grabbed a fistful of his shirt. He looked into my eyes, unconcerned, as I stared daggers at him.

"Are you seriously saying you're here to comfort me after you murdered my boyfriend?"

He nodded. "Yes."

I punched him. I punched him so hard he slipped out of my grip and fell sideways onto the couch. He did not retaliate as I grabbed him and punched him again. After several blows, Jace was knocked onto the floor. He did not try to defend himself as I hit him, over and over. Both my left and right hands were screaming in pain but I did not stop. My cheeks were damp with tears but I did not stop. Jace's blood was splattered on the floor but I did not stop. Only when I was too wrung out, emotionally and physically, did I get off Jace and lean my back against the couch. I covered my eyes with my hand and cried.

Hands found my shoulders and tried to pull me forward. But they were not Magnus's hands. I screamed and wrenched out of Jace's grip. Jace hesitated before launching himself at me and enveloping me in an embrace. I struggled against him, thrashing mercilessly. He only held me tighter, and eventually I sagged against him, clutching onto his shirt and crying into his shoulder.

As the tears began to subside, I gently pushed Jace away and wiped my eyes. When I looked at him I noticed one of his eyes had swollen shut, his lip had split open, and his jaw was splotched with bruises. But there was no satisfaction in the pain I had caused him.

"I will always be here for you, Alec. I'll always protect you," Jace said, smiling faintly. "I always keep my promises."

I remained on the floor as Jace slowly got up. Memories came rushing back to me of all the times he had bailed on our plans, of all the secrets he had kept from me. The man standing before me was not my protector. He was a liar. He never kept any of his promises, and he never would.

But I did.

I got up from the floor and stared Jace in the eye. "So do I."

There was a brief flash of confusion in his eyes before I whipped out Magnus's gun, aimed, and pulled the trigger. Jace fell to the floor with a cry and I hunched over, groaning against the painful ringing in my ears. I glanced down at Jace and saw red blossoming over his abdomen. He moaned and placed his hand over the wound. My poor aim betrayed that I had never fired a weapon before, but there were still plenty of bullets.

I stepped over Jace's body and aimed the barrel directly at his head. Surprise and terror were evident in his golden eyes.

"Alec, please. . ." he whispered.

"This isn't the life I want for you," I said, my voice sounding cold and detached in my ears.

I pulled the trigger. There was another thunderous roar and Jace's head exploded. Blood, fluid, and bits of brain splashed across the floor. I knew the sight should have made me want to vomit, but once again I was too numb to feel anything.

Someone had most likely already notified the police of the gunfire, so I backed away from Jace's body and hurried into my bedroom. There was only one thing I wanted to do and I did not have much time. I would never survive in prison, and I no longer had a place in the society that was once my life. There was only one place I belonged.

Gun still in hand, I sat on the bed and closed my eyes. Hallways began to form around me. Gray hallways with flickering lights, closed doors, and empty bulletin boards. I was alone, but I should not have been. I stepped forward, gazing down the hall to where Magnus should have been. Confused, I turned around.

Magnus's sudden appearance was startling. He smiled down at me as I jumped, and brushed the backs of his fingers down the side of my face. The fluttering of my heart was replaced by familiar butterflies in my stomach. Magnus touched his palm to my cheek and I leaned into his hand. After softly touching my lips, he pulled his hand away. His smile still remained.

I drew in a long breath and raised my gun. "You like Russian Roulette?"

I placed the barrel under Magnus's jaw. Just like in my dream, he kept his eyes on mine, neither blinking nor flinching. When I pulled the trigger, I heard a sharp bang. Magnus still stood in front of me, smiling and unharmed. I felt a teardrop slide down my cheek as I placed the gun's cold metal under my own jaw. Magnus reached out and wiped the drop away with his thumb. His hand lingered against my cheek. My finger curled around the trigger as Magnus dipped his head closer to mine. I felt the warmth of his lips, the softness and the love behind the kiss. Everything else disappeared: the memories, the pain, the bite of the gun's metal. There was just the two of us.

In that moment, with our lips and our hearts connected, I pulled the trigger.

_Bang_.


	11. There is No Goodbye (Alternate)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, all! As promised, here is the alternate ending! Please don't be alarmed when you see the same beginning as the original. If you don't want to read that again, scroll down a bit and you'll see some brand new stuff waiting for you. I hope you enjoy it! I'll have two new stories coming out soon, one another Malec fic and the other my first Infernal Devices fic. If you like thrillers, watch out for the Malec one. I think it'll be named Sacrifice. Anyway, thank you for reading this and sending me your kudos and kind comments! This story wouldn't exist without you! Cheers! :)  
> Also, there's a chemistry package I borrowed from an online textbook. It does not belong to me. All rights belong to http://www.saylor.org/site/textbooks/General%20Chemistry%20Principles,%20Patterns,%20and%20Applications.pdf

I was unsure of how much time had passed since Magnus had been taken by the paramedics. For a long while I had simply sat on the floor, staring at the dark puddle of blood as my body went through alternating fits of shivering and stillness. Then I'd felt the burning at the back of my eyes. At first only a few tears had leaked out, then the dam completely burst and all I could do was hold my head in my hands as I sobbed violently. When there were no tears left to cry, I picked myself up off the floor and headed into the bedroom. The shock of what had just happened still lingered in my system and it jumbled my thoughts, creating a haze inside my head. Frustrated, I ran my hand down the side of my face and back up into my hair.

_I need. . . to go somewhere. Where did Magnus go? I need. . . the hospital! I need to go to the hospital._

I paused after taking a step. My gaze drifted downward to my clothes. My jeans from the knees down were soaked in blood and my shirt and jacket were decorated with dark red splatter. With jittery hands I stripped out of my clothes and slid on some fresh ones. The gun I'd hid in the back of my jeans glinted in the light as I held it in my palm, debating what to do with it. My brain told me to hide it, to leave it behind in the apartment. But my hand slid it back to its original hiding spot at the small of my back. Without another thought, I raced out of the apartment and down the stairwell to the lobby.

It took several agonizing minutes before I could hail a cab. When one finally pulled over, I all but threw myself into the backseat. The driver stared at me, wide-eyed, in his rear view mirror as I instructed him to take me to the hospital. When he asked me which one, I could barely restrain myself from crying. I did not know which hospital they had taken Magnus to.

Suddenly, with shocking clarity, I recollected the patch on one of the paramedics' uniforms. I repeated the name to the driver and curled into the back seat, not bothering with my seatbelt and instead drawing my knees up to my chest. I tapped my fingers against my thigh anxiously as I stared out the window, inwardly cursing the slow-moving traffic.

As the driver pulled into the drop off area, I reached for my wallet. The driver, still wide-eyed, shook his head and waved his hand, urging me to get out of his cab. I thanked him and threw open the door, racing for the entrance. People hastily jumped out of the way as I stormed through the hospital to the emergency department. When I reached the front desk, the nurse sitting behind it slowly rose from her chair as she looked at me.

"I'm looking for Magnus Bane," I panted.

"Sir, your face—"

"I need to know where they took Magnus," I said, irritated.

Just like the cab driver's, the nurse's eyes were large and round. I noticed that the people around me had given me a wide berth, but I remained oblivious to the fear emanating from their cores. The nurse snuck a quick glance to her left, and when I followed her gaze I saw a security guard slowly making his way over.

I shook my head and pleaded, hysterical, "I'm not crazy. I just need to know where they took Magnus! Please!"

Just before the security guard could reach me, another nurse came up behind the one at the desk and placed a hand on her arm. "It's all right. The medics said this one might be coming in."

The new nurse, a petite redhead with green eyes, slipped out from behind the desk and gently steered me off to the side, away from the eyes and ears of other people. The security guard kept his distance, though his eyes stayed keenly on me. I bounced on the balls of my feet.

"Are you the one from the apartment shooting?" the nurse asked.

"Magnus got shot," I said, feeling the backs of my eyes burn again.

The nurse, Clary according to her nametag, nodded and stared up at me calmly. "What's your name?"

"I'm. . ." My mind went blank and I felt a burst of panic. "I-I don't know."

"It's all right," Clary said. "Can you just take a deep breath for me please?"

I inhaled shakily and let out a long breath when she instructed me to do so. Clary nodded approvingly and repeated the same question.

"Alex," I replied. "I'm Alex."

"Okay, Alex. I know the nurses are trying to contact Magnus's family but there's no one left to get a hold of. Are you his next of kin?"

"I'm. . . I'm his boyfriend."

Clary smiled empathetically. "I'll take you upstairs, Alex. But let's stop by the bathroom first."

"I don't need the bathroom."

"Just take a few minutes to collect yourself, all right?"

I nodded and let her lead me around the corner to the bathroom. She waited outside respectfully as I walked in. One glimpse of myself in the mirror and I realized why I'd created such a scene: blood was smeared from my chin to my forehead on the right side of my face. Half of my hair stood up on end, crusted with blood. Even my hands were still stained dark red. I'd been in such a frenzy to leave to apartment that I hadn't given any thought to washing myself up.

I turned on the tap and slathered my hands with soap before furiously trying to scrub them clean. The water became increasingly hot and my skin was raw from the scrubbing, but I was too numb to feel any of it. When my hands were decently clean, I scooped up some water and splashed it onto my face. The murderer gradually faded from the mirror's reflection, but the guilt remained coiled deep inside me.

Clary led me from the bathroom up to the third floor. She did not speak along the way, which I was thankful for. I could see a small waiting area up ahead, but Clary put her hand on my arm and stopped me.

"They've taken Magnus in for emergency surgery. I don't know how long they'll be, but you're welcome to wait as long as you'd like."

"Is he going to be all right?"

Clary smiled encouragingly. "I'll let the surgeon know you're here. She'll keep you posted."

I seated myself in the waiting area as Clary made for the OR. There were a couple others sitting in chairs around me, reading magazines or fiddling with their phones. None of them seemed particularly worried. I, on the other hand, sat on the edge of my chair, my knee bouncing up and down. Magnus's life hung in the balance mere feet away from me, and if he fell over the edge, so would I.

Hours ticked by and one by one the other occupants began to disperse. Every time a doctor stepped into the waiting room, I was ready to leap out of my chair and beg for more information on Magnus. But he or she always called a different name, and a smiling face was led off in another direction. I was alone, my fingers interlaced and pressed against my lips as though I was praying, when I heard a soft voice.

"Excuse me?"

I jumped, startled by the surgeon suddenly at my side. My eyes had been closed and I hadn't heard her approach. I hesitated before rising to my feet, terrified of what she was about to say. Her face was stoic, impossible to read.

"Are you Alex?"

"I am."

The surgeon nodded. "The bullet that hit Magnus shattered upon impact. The fragments travelled to several different places in his body. One of them punctured his lung and collapsed it."

"Okay," I said, my knees wobbling.

"Another fragment grazed his heart. We were able to stop the bleeding—"

"Is he. . ." I felt my eyes brimming with tears. "Is he okay?"

The surgeon's eyes became grim. "Magnus's heart stopped several times throughout the surgery. He also suffered through multiple seizures."

"What does that mean?" I whispered, swiping angrily at the tears on my cheeks.

"The intermittent lack of oxygen has caused concern for brain damage."

I put my hand against the wall to steady myself. "Brain damage? H-how severe?"

"We won't know until we run more tests."

"No." I shook my head, willing the devastating news away. "Magnus is fine. He'll wake up and be the same person he's always been."

"Alex." The surgeon reached for my shoulder, but seemed to think better of it and pulled her hand back. "I'm afraid Magnus has slipped into a coma. I don't know when, or even if, he will wake up."

My legs collapsed under me and I sank into my chair. Every ounce of my strength vanished and I slouched forward, crying into my hands. I could feel the surgeon's presence beside me, but she made no move to comfort me. She waited patiently as I sobbed and wailed. When the tremors of grief finally began to subside, I rose onto shaky legs and looked her in the eyes.

"Can I see him?"

"He's being transported to the ICU." She paused for a moment, contemplating. "Give me five minutes and I'll take you to see him."

She turned away and disappeared down the hall. I dropped back into my chair and drew my legs up to my chest, hiding my face behind my knees. I wanted —needed— Magnus's arms wrapped around me, holding me close. But I did not know when I would feel the comfort of Magnus's embrace again. My brain rambled on, tossing out terrifying thoughts of paralysis and long-term amnesia. I did not know which was worse: having Magnus's shell but not his memories, or not having Magnus at all.

The surgeon finally returned and motioned for me to follow her. It took a couple attempts for me to lift myself out of the chair, but I soon followed her on weak legs. She steered me to the elevators wordlessly. On the next floor, she took me past the front desk, shaking her head at the nurse watching her with an inquisitive look. I shuffled on down a hallway and came to a stop at her side in front of a closed door. My hand reached for the handle, but froze before turning it.

Sensing my distress, the surgeon asked, "Is there anything I can get you, Alex? Someone I can call?"

I shook my head, blinking back more tears.

"Take as long as you need."

"Do you think," I said, stopping her mid-step, "I can stay the night? Just in case he wakes up."

Her smile was sympathetic. "I'll have a cot brought up for you."

I thanked her and listened to the softness of her retreating footsteps. Hushed voices could be heard at the end of the hall, but the sounds were jumbled with the blood pounding in my ears. After a deep breath, I turned the handle and pushed the door open.

It was all I could do not to collapse at the sight of him. His eyes were closed and his face was relaxed, but he did not appear as though he was simply sleeping. Magnus's essence was missing, lost among the various tubes snaking into his body and mechanical beeping and whirring. A breathing tube jutted out of his mouth. There was no faint trace of a smile on his lips, no fluttering to his dark eyelashes. A blanket was pulled up to his middle and his hands were at rest at his sides. He looked . . . posed, not peaceful.

After quietly closing the door, I stepped up to his bedside and gazed down upon him. My heart paused in my chest as I waited for him to sense me and open his eyes. When he remained immobile, I let out a shaky breath and reached for his hand. His skin was cool and dry against my own; it felt so . . . _wrong_ that his fingers did not curl around mine.

Of the million things I wanted to say, all I managed was, "Hi, Magnus."

The rhythmic beeping on his heart monitor was the only response.

My voice wobbled as I struggled not to cry. "How do you manage to look this attractive while laying in a hospital bed?"

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

I moved to sit down on the edge of the bed, but, not wanting to hurt Magnus, I grabbed a nearby chair instead. It let out a loud groan as I pulled it across the floor. I flinched at the abrupt and shrill noise but Magnus did not. Still clutching his hand, I sat down and traced small circles and lines across his fingers.

"You take as much time as you need to get better, Mags. But no flirting with the male nurses, okay?"

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

I pinched the bridge of my nose with my free hand. "I can't say I'm sorry, Magnus, because that's not enough."

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

"I ruined everything. I'm the goddamn smear of ink on the calligraphy that is your life. I know that you would have been much better off never having met me, but I can't deny that stumbling across you was the greatest moment in my life. I was a slave to routine. . . and then you came along, this hidden truth inside the sham of my life."

My eyes found the IV jabbed into his other hand and followed the tube that led to the bag hanging above him.

"I don't know what's going to happen, Magnus. All I know is that I'm terrified and I need you. You have to fight this. For me. Please." I lifted his hand to my mouth and gently kissed his fingers. "I'm fighting for you. I'm not letting you go. I can't."

* * *

I struggled to open my eyes with the crust that had formed over them. My neck cracked as I looked around to get my bearings. I had fallen asleep on my arm, which was propped up on Magnus's bedrail. A cot had been set up only a few feet away, complete with blankets and pillows; my back and neck ached as soon as I saw it, but I made no move to leave Magnus's side.

A clock mounted on the wall told me it was just past six a.m. Stifling a yawn, I unwrapped my fingers from Magnus's and sat back in my chair. I stared at him, feeling empty and drained. The machine's beeping drowned out my thoughts. No part of Magnus had moved even a fraction of an inch. He was still, alive but lifeless.

Without conscious thought, I got up from my chair and left the room. My legs took me through the hospital and outside. My arm hailed a cab and my lips uttered my address to the driver. After a wordless monetary exchange, I climbed out of the cab and took the stairs to my apartment. A notice had been placed on my door, informing me that an investigative crew had been inside. Attached to the notice was a business card. One of the officers was requesting an interview. I left the note and card on my door and stepped inside.

The blood on the floor had been cleaned up, though a stain remained on the floorboards. I walked past it numbly, slipping off layers of clothing as I headed for the bathroom. Not even the scalding water could take my mind off the emptiness dwelling inside me. I brushed my teeth and combed my hair with my fingers, all without looking in the mirror. I did not want to see the miserable wretch who had been an unknowing accessory to my boyfriend's attempted murder.

My forehead pressed against the cool glass of the bus's window. The people around me seemed to sense my feral yet broken mood and wisely left the seats on either side of me vacant. As I stepped off at the university, I swung my backpack onto my shoulder. It seemed heavier than normal, as if the entire bag and its contents had been drenched in water. I thought of the gun I had slipped inside it before leaving the apartment. Something as small as that was weighing me down, making me drag my feet. I thought of Magnus and my love for him. Funny how love, little more than an emotion, could have such a catastrophic effect.

Eyes peered at me throughout my entire class. Amidst the whispers I caught people making mention of Magnus, though not by name. They wondered aloud where he was, why I, as they put it, 'looked like shit.' I tried to ignore them and pay attention to Morgenstern's lecturing, but all I could hear was Magnus's heart monitor beeping inside my head. His heart was beating inside me.

The class shuffled off in a hurry after Morgenstern's dismissal. I hung back, letting the others go first. Quizzical glances peered back at me. Morgenstern called out to me as I left, but this time I did not turn around. I kept walking, leaving him behind. Once outside the university, I pulled off my backpack and rifled through my supplies for the gun. After making sure no one was watching, I pulled it out and slipped it into the back of my jeans. Next I pulled out one textbook. The rest I left in my backpack, which I then shoved into the nearest garbage can. I boarded the bus, sat down, and left my old life behind without a backward glance.

* * *

I was just getting ready to leave the apartment when there was a knock at the door. I'd barely pulled it open when Jace stormed in, slamming the door shut behind him. His momentum drove me back into the living room where we glared at each other, tempers silently flaring.

Jace collected himself first. His eyebrows crinkled with concern and his golden eyes searched my face. "Your professor called me."

"Why?" I asked, tearing my gaze from his.

"He said he's been troubled by your behavior lately. I'm listed as your emergency contact, so he gave me a call."

"Good for him," I said icily.

Jace bristled. "He's not the only one who's worried about you, Alec."

"Are you really going to stand there and pretend you give a fuck about how I feel?"

"I'm not pretending. I'm your brother."

"Don't flatter yourself. You're adopted," I said bluntly. "You were never my brother and you never will be."

"Hate me all you want for what I did to Magnus, but I did it for you. I had to protect my family."

"You were protecting yourself. You thought Magnus was taking me away from you, so you eliminated the threat. Now your worst enemy is out of the picture and you still have me to jerk around and manipulate."

Jace's eyes flared to a molten gold. "Those are not my intentions with you, nor have they ever been."

"Okay," I said, making it perfectly clear I did not believe him.

"Alec, I am sorry that you're in pain, but why can't you see that it's better for you this way? Just forget about Magnus and focus on graduating. Make your family proud."

"Right," I scoffed. "How could my family ever be proud of me if I were happy?"

Jace inched closer to me, lethalness crackling around him. "Of course we want you to be happy, but not while making stupid decisions."

I stared him dead in the eye. "I can see why your old family didn't want you."

He recoiled from me, his eyes wide, before throwing his fist into the side of my face. Jace's hand curled into the front of my jacket, catching me before I could fall. He hit me again, smashing his knuckles into my cheekbone.

_Again_ , I thought. _Hit me again._

I needed him to aggravate me, to provoke me.

When Jace punched me for the third time, I slipped out of his grasp and fell to the floor. Blood dripped from my lips as I slowly pushed myself from my side into a sitting position. Jace crouched in front of me, fist poised to strike again. I flinched involuntarily, making him freeze. With glimmering eyes, he unfurled his fingers and brought his hand to my face, cupping my cheek.

"I came here to comfort you," he said between clenched teeth, "but you're pushing me away. You're always pushing me to the brink, Alec."

Those words were exactly what I needed to hear. Jace was trying to twist the situation to make everything my fault. He was making himself out to be the hero. Classic villain. In his demented mind, I was the reason he was forced to do horrific things. I was the sole cause of Magnus's predicament.

My fist slammed under Jace's jaw. His head snapped back and he fell away from me. In one fluid motion, I rose from the floor and pulled the gun from the back of my jeans. I stood over Jace's body, my feet straddling his hips, and aimed the gun directly at his face. When the disorientation cleared from his eyes, he held up his hands and his breath caught in his throat.

"Alec, don't—"

"The moment you fired that gun, you killed the only part of me that had any respect for you. You tried to murder Magnus Bane, but you killed me. I want you dead, Jace."

"Please—"

"Shut your fucking mouth."

I dropped down, clamped my hand over Jace's mouth, pressed the barrel of the gun against his shoulder, and fired. Jace arched below me and screamed against my palm. Still covering his mouth, I rolled Jace partway over. A bloody hole could be seen on the posterior side of his shoulder. The shot was a merciful through-and-through.

"Shut up," I commanded again.

Jace quieted and I pulled my hand from his mouth. He whimpered and raised his hand to apply pressure to the wound. Blood welled between his fingers. He trembled as he stared up at me, breathing hard.

"I let you live when you deserved to die. Remember that. But I'm making you a promise, Jace. If I ever see you again, I will kill you." I aimed the gun at his heart for emphasis. "Move out of the city, barricade yourself inside your apartment, I don't care. You just be damn sure you never cross paths with me again."

With an unfathomable calm, I tucked my gun away, grabbed my duffle bag from the couch, and left the apartment, leaving my ex-brother to bleed on the floor.

* * *

 

ONE MONTH LATER

"Alex!"

I turned, hand still poised on the door handle. A petite figure with fiery hair jogged up to me. Clary smiled, her green eyes twinkling. She touched my elbow and flicked her head at the door.

"How's he doing?"

"He's good. Can't get him to stop talking," I said good-naturedly.

"And how are you doing?" She looked at the lidded cup in my other hand. "Coffee break?"

"There's a chance this is vodka."

She clucked her tongue. "And you're not even sharing with me."

"I keep offering to slip a flask into your scrubs but you keep turning me down."

"If only Magnus hadn't claimed you first," she teased. Clary looked at her watch and began backing away. "I've got to run. I'll catch you later, okay?"

I gave her a two-fingered wave around my coffee cup. She disappeared down the hall in a flurry of red hair and blue scrubs. Clary and I had come to be friends ever since I'd started coming to the hospital on a daily basis. She'd taken care of me the night Magnus had been brought in and she'd been a supportive friend ever since. We chatted when she was on shift and she'd even coaxed me to hang out with her outside the hospital. Though I was always reluctant to leave Magnus's side, I was grateful for her giving me moments of escape, moments where I could breathe.

I stepped into the room and closed the door behind me, murmuring a quick apology to Magnus. I set my coffee aside and settled into the chair beside Magnus's bed. His heart monitor beeped quietly in the background as I picked up my chemistry textbook.

"Clary says hi," I said, watching his motionless face. I set the textbook in my lap and searched for familiar words. "Where did we leave off? Oh, here we go. 'Bond order is the number of electron pairs that hold two atoms together. Single bonds have a bond order of one, and multiple bonds with bond orders of two —a double bond— and three —a triple bond— are quite common. In closely related compounds with bonds between the same kinds of atoms, the bond with the highest bond order is both the shortest and the strongest. In bonds with the same bond order between different atoms, trends are observed that, with few exceptions, result in the strongest single bonds being formed between the smallest atoms. Tabulated values of average bond energies can be used to calculate the enthalpy change of many chemical reactions. If the bonds in the products are stronger than those in the reactants, the reaction is exothermic and vice versa.'"

Amidst reading aloud about bonds, my thoughts drifted to Jace. I hadn't seen or heard from him since our dispute at my apartment. He'd heeded my warning and cut off all contact with me. Evidently, he hadn't ratted me out to the police, which I appreciated. He'd fallen off the grid. I'd meant it when I said I never wanted to see Jace again, but remnants of him still lurked inside my mind. I thought of him from time to time, sometimes out of spite and other times out of fondness. I hated myself for the latter.

As I delved into more chemistry, something flickered in my peripheral vision. My voice cut off and I lifted my head. Magnus's face was still. I turned back to the textbook and began reading again when it happened for a second time. My glance drifted upward.

And I saw it. The tiniest movement, ever so slight, but magnificent to behold.

Magnus lifted his index finger.

The textbook clattered against the floor as I jolted to my feet. I stopped breathing as my eyes shifted from Magnus's face to his hand and back again. "Magnus?"

He lifted his finger, the first answer I had gotten out of him in one month.

I pressed my palm against Magnus's cheek and wrapped my other fingers around his hand, squeezing. My forehead rested against his as I leaned forward, tears prickling at the back of my eyes. _He can hear me._ "I'm here, Magnus. I love you so much. I love you. I'm not going anywhere."

His finger twitched in my hand and he managed to curl it around my fingertips. He was squeezing back, holding my hand and comforting me as he had when he had changed my life forever.

I wiped my eyes with the back of my free wrist and pressed my lips across Magnus's face. I kissed his temple, the corner of his lips, his cheek, his eyelids, everywhere I could reach.

After all this time, Magnus had never stopped fighting. He'd held on as I'd begged him to. I could see him coming back to me now. Today it was moving a finger; tomorrow it could be opening his eyes. If he was only able to lift his finger for the rest of the month, I'd take it. The road ahead was going to be long and arduous, but I needed Magnus to know that I wouldn't be anywhere but at his side. He was loved and needed. Above all else, he needed to know that in our little world of bonds, complicated formulas, and reactions, our bond was unbreakable.


End file.
